Red Riding Hood, starring Amanda Seyfried and Gary Oldman

The story of  Red Riding Hood is one of the oldest folk tales on record. The most popular version is by The Brothers Grimm, who if they were alive today would be Hollywood darlings so many of their works are currently bound for the big screen. Catherine Hardwicke, responsible for the very first Twilight film, is the latest to try her hand at adapting the story.With her vampire/werewolf pedigree, comparisons to that similar looking monster romance are inevitable, and misguided. Red Riding Hood is so bad it makes Twilight look like an Oscar contender. I couldn't help but wonder if Hardwicke was personally trying to ensure the story of Red Riding Hood never gets passed to another generation.

The tiny medieval town of Daggerhorn is under the thrall of a fearsome creature, a werewolf they've had an uneasy truce with. That agreement is suddenly broken when the wolf kills one of the town women.  The victim turns out to be the older sister of Valerie(Amanda Seyfried), who was busy cavorting with Peter(the amazingly stiff Shiloh Fernandez), the love of her life. Unfortunately, Valerie is betrothed to high class pretty boy, Henry Lazar(Max Irons). Not even the dark ages can escape the grip of a tedious high school love triangle.

Gripped in fear, Father August calls upon an expert to rid the town of the werewolf threat. Before you know it, here comes famed wolfslayer Father Solomon(Gary Oldman) riding up in his elephant chariot, posse of strapping warrior dudes, and bright lavander robes that make him look like Van Helsing's long lost brother from West Beverly Hills. It's really quite a spectacle. His arrival turns out to be as much of a threat as the creature itself, as Solomon and his men put the town through their very own Salem Witch Trials to discover the truth behind the wolf's reappearance. Somebody in the village is secretly the wolf, or hiding it. Nobody in town in safe from Solomon's interrogation. Not even the village idiot.  Why do these small, terrorized medievel towns always have a a village moron? Do they buy them by the gross? Why not just put them in a t-shirt that reads "emotional cannon fodder"?

Think of everything you hated about M. Night Shymalan's The Village, boil them down to their essence, and you've pretty much got Red Riding Hood. I don't know what happened to Catherine Hardwicke, but somewhere between Lords of Dogtown and now she forgot how to direct. She forgot how to stage a scene, whether it requires action or characterization. The entire story takes place during the cold of winter, with snow a constant presence, yet the film looks like everyone's just sorta chillin' on the soundstage somewhere. Hardwicke uses her camera to constantly try to establish red herrings with quick cuts backed by some terrible, breathy voice over. It reeks of desperation to make a boring period piece interesting.

For what is ostensibly a murder mystery, the PG-13 rating is a complete drag. So too is the rating's effect on the sexual energy of the story. The love triangle is strangely muted, possibly because Seyfried doesn't appear to have any real chemistry with either of her co-stars.  It's only with the wolf itself, considered by many to be the epitome of raw animal sexuality, that Seyfried manages a few sparks. That's right, the CGI wolf is more convincing than the two human lunks she has to make time with. There's some violence, but it's also mostly cut off at the knees and hidden from view.

At a certain point at the screening I attended, it became apparent that this was not going to be a good movie by any stretch. It crossed a certain quality threshhold where it became acceptable for the audience to start talking openly at the screen. That's how bad this movie is. The script is laughable. Gary Oldman, usually so good at chomping up scenery in a flamboyant role like this can barely register a chuckle. Atleast not intentionally. He does get a couple of good howlers, but not enough to make me wonder why he ever signed up for this. There's an oddly placed, borderline orgy that takes place in the middle of the film that gave me the same uncomfortable feeling as the rave dance scene in The Matrix Reloaded. Why was it here? Was it to make up for all the sex we won't be seeing? I'm not going to complain about an opportunity to see Amanda Seyfried grindin' on another chick. I just want some explanation. Or base a whole movie on it.

There are few times where I'll tell anyone to flat out avoid a movie. It happens, just rarely. This isn't one of those times. Red Riding Hood will probably work for some people. I'd like to have a talk with those folks about some things, but I understand the young, hot cast and love story angle is hard to resist. My recommendation is that if you're going to see this film, bring some friends. Lots of them. Take up a whole row.
You'll need them to help laugh your way through one exhausting experience.