I could go on here about all the things we already know about Michael Bay. How he doesn't give two craps about your eardrums. Or about all the blinding explosions, or the 360 rotating shots whether they're necessary or not. You know that Bay only wants to do one thing, and that's find all new ways to blow sh*t up and show women's butts. Everything else be damned. You know all that stuff is in Transformers: Dark of the Moon already. You knew it months ago. To be honest there are literally thousands of critics sitting at their desks right now bashing Bay over things you knew to expect. But I'm going to tell you something you might not have been expecting, and it's that Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the best of the series so far and Bay's finest technical achievement of his career.
Let me be clear about my feelings on the franchise so you know where I'm coming from. I hated the idea of a live-action Transformers movie, mainly because I'm a pure fan of the cartoons, comics, and toys. My greatest concern was never that Bay couldn't make the transforming robots look cool or realistic, it was that he'd do something stupid like make the stories too complicated. That's exactly what he did for two movies, especially in the absurdly convoluted plot for Revenge of the Fallen. Yet he also fell victim to poor 'bot construction, with both the Autobots and Decepticons looking like heaps of garbage stuck in a windstorm during the intense action spots. That was fixed in the sequel, but it appears that third time is the charm because Bay finally put all the pieces together to make a summer popcorn film unlike any other.
The story is simple, and by that I mean none of it actually matters for about an hour. Sam Witwicky(Shia Labeouf) has saved the world twice over but can't find a job. His parents are just as annoying as ever, but at least he traded up in the girlfriend department, shagging up with the super sexy Carly Spencer(Victoria's Secret model Rosie Hungtinton-Whiteley). Carly's so hot, she might make Megatron's eyes photon cannon melt. Sam's so hard up for work you'd almost think somebody was holding him back on purpose. That's not the case, but there is another question that's about to get answered with terrible ramifications.
It comes to the Autobots' attention that their arrival on Earth wasn't our first contact. It's revealed through a combination of historical footage and silly computer renderings of famous figures(JFK looks ridiculous) that our first mission to the moon was actually to scout the crash landing of an Autobot ship, known as the Ark. Inside, we found an old sleeping transformer known as Sentinel Prime, and other alien technology which would've been crucial to the Autobot war against the Decepticons. Optimus Prime ain't happy, and with his team becoming this planet's guardians, he takes this as an ultimate betrayal. Too bad the new Secretary of Defense(Frances McDormand) could care less about his feelings. It's discovered that the technology forms a part of the Space Bridge, a teleportation system that would allow the Transformers to traverse between worlds. The Decepticons hold the majority of it's pieces, the Autobots only a few. There's a larger conspiracy afoot, though, and while the military brass is too blind to see it, Sam stumbles upon it(of course) and finds himself swept up into yet another war for the planet's survival.
Does anybody even know who the writer of a Michael Bay film is? I bet you don't. For the second time it's Ehren Kruger, and perhaps he learned a thing or two by the blistering remarks about the script for Revenge of the Fallen. Not that the dialogue is any better. It's still laughably bad plenty of the time, but what Kruger has done is draft the first story to actually feel like it could've come from the cartoon. Those great 80s stories knew not to take themselves too seriously, and this film certainly doesn't do that. The idea the Decepticons have hatched is pure classic villainy. It doesn't need to be explained too much. It's just straight up evil and terrible. It's also to the film's benefit that the humans aren't just folks gawking around amazed at the giant robots standing in front of them. For once we have our own motivations that could put into focus, and while some of those are good a lot of them are bad. I think there's a nice duality at play between both the humans and the Transformers.
The first hour of the film is one long ridiculous drag, though, as we watch Sam deal with his parents, his unemployment, and the Carly's hotness attracting her skeezy boss(Patrick Dempsey). Bay and Kruger have again fitted Sam with his pair of pet sidekick characters, Wheelie and Brains, two small Autobots that chase him around like little gremlins and crack jokes. They're not appreciated in the least.
Once the set up is finished, I'm not totally unconvinced that Bay didn't just snatch the script away, douse it with gasoline and blew the thing up. The next two hours are some of the most spectacular action I have ever seen. Honestly this movie could have stunk to high heaven for two hours and the last thirty minutes would have spared it. For all the hate he receives, Michael Bay knows how to manipulate our emotions. When it comes to crafting an action sequence, he jam packs so much intensity and "Holy ****" moments that it almost becomes too much. Just when you think you've hit sensory overload, here comes Shockwave drilling through the entire city of Chicago and it's unbelievable all over again. We've never seen devastation on this scale. We've never seen the Autobots and Decepticons fight the way they fight in this film. Each little skirmish is more brutal than the last and more important. The human military are smartly woven into the action and are actually essential to the outcome for once, not just people running around avoiding laser fire.
The design of the Transformers themselves has been a sticking point with me. They were all wrong in the first film, impossible to identify individuals from a distance. The Decepticons were treated like supporting players, all basically looking the same except for Megatron. Those issues are completely wiped out now. Every Transformer has their own unique look that often matches their personality. Shockwave is by far the most impressive, a massive singled eyed weapon of destruction. His battle with Optimus is epic and the true highlight of what has to be about 30 straight minutes of eye searing action.
The film is shot in 3D, a welcome upgrade from the usual up-conversion we've seen lately. If you want to see what the benefits of 3D are, then this is film to do it. What it does is allow a wider range of vision, allowing us to see just how massive these machines really are. We can see every inch of the destruction they're laying on the planet and to each other. My only regret is that I couldn't see it in IMAX. >sniff< Maybe next time.
What's there to really say about the acting? Shia Labeouf is...essentially the same as he always is. A bit whiny, a little puffed up, but otherwise not overly offensive. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a welcome improvement over the stiff and emotionless Megan Fox. Not that it matters since Bay is only interested in shooting his women from the waist down, you won't hear me complaining. A solid supporting bit is turned in by John Malkovich as Sam's overly aggressive boss, and Alan Tudyk(Serenity) steals a few scenes away from John Turturro. The voice work is spectacular. Optimus Prime's booming gravel voice still gives me shivers, and Star Trek fans will get a special kick to Leonard Nimoy's Sentinel Prime.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon has it's share of problems, but as I said in the very beginning, they're problems you already know to expect. This is the consummate summer popcorn flick, Michael Bay's specialty. If this truly is the end and he won't be back for a fourth film, then at least he can say he went out not with a "bang", but with a "KABOOM!!"
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