Review: Spread

Those of us with ungodly good looks have it tough, y'know? You think it's easy being so damn beautiful? You have no idea what it's like, always having people at your beck and call. The looks of disdain we get as we cut to the front of the line at the hottest joints in town. I'll admit that the free food we can get at any establishment with just a subtle touch or a disarming smile to our wait tress is a plus, but the disappointment on their faces as we skip out without so much as a "seeya later" is a real burden. It's time someone told our story, and so I was hoping Ashton Kutcher's Spread would be our coming out party, so to speak.

Nikki is a man not unlike myself or those of my peers. He's young, gorgeous, and willing to do anything and anybody to maintain a certain level of lifestyle. Living in LA, he finds himself surrounded by the social elite, and he blends in seamlessly amongst them. Nikki isn't bothered by common complications like jobs and...homes. Who needs to work when you can just bang some rich broad and she'll pay for everything? Who needs a home when you sleep at a different place every night? Nikki's latest conquest is Samantha, played by the sexiest Anne Heche since...well, ever. I'd do her. Samantha hooks homie up, too. She gives him everything, money, influence, a spread the size of Rhode Island. Sweet deal. Then he effs it up and so does the movie. Doesn't he know if you're gonna get some head you do it someplace else? Never bring your dirt back home, y'know?

Maybe they switched writers halfway through this piece of crap or somethin', but I found the second part of this film to be a personal insult and a slap in the face. What's all this moralizing b.s., anyway? Nikki falls in love with some waitress chick? And this magically changes him into a better man? Is that what this is telling me? If true love is as boring as it is here then I'll gladly pass. The relationship is completely unbelievable. There's no reason given for him to fall for her, and Nikki is smart enough not to ever reveal anything about himself either. Seriously, it's about as real as my ex-girlfriend's knockers.

Just spare me all this moralizing nonsense, ok? This would've been a better movie without trying to impart some grand lesson. It doesn't fit with the story at all. This should've been about a hip, smart, predatory sexual animal who conquers all and leaves a trail of women in his wake. Doesn't that sound like a more enjoyable, believable tale? I'll give it up to my idol, Ashton Kutcher, for taking on a role that must hit pretty close to home for him. Dude is shacked up with that old cougar Demi Moore right now, and then he goes and basically makes a movie all about how he's scammin' on her? That's balls, man! And this joint is graphic! They don't shy away from showin' Kutcher layin' the wood to all types of broads. I dig your style. I just don't dig this movie. Would've been better if they put me in it.

5/10