Review: Clash of the Titans

There's something to be said about leaving certain movies alone. The hardest films to remake are the ones that combine a certain campy, cheesy quality that makes them endearing despite their technical flaws. The urge becomes, in today's age of souped up technology, to fix those little problems, thus removing the very element that made them fun to begin with. Clash of the Titans is one of those movies. The original 1981 film starred an awkward looking Harry Hamlin, a metal owl, and a smokin' hot Ursula Andress as Aphrodite. That's all it ever needed to sell me. This newer, glazed over Clash has plenty of action, but can't decide if it wants to be a remake or something new entirely. It also has the distinction of being the shining example of why post-production 3-D is an epic disaster.

That guy, Sam Worthington, y'know the one who's in all the really big movies lately? He takes on the role of Perseus, the simple adopted son of a fishing family. Perseus's real mother, whom he never knew, was visited in her bedchamber by the god Zeus(Liam Neeson), who did like gods were wont to do back then and disguised himself as her husband and laid the divine pipe and impregnates her. Her husband, as a means of gaining vengeance against Zeus for basically raping his wife, locks her in a box and sets it adrift. She dies, but Perseus, the half-god half human, survives.

Perseus seems content to live his life, even though times are hard on humans. They have become annoyed with the gods, who they see as arrogant and unfit to rule over them. It doesn't help that the gods do things like...oh...have carnal relations with their women. Who can compete against something like that? You think Apollo needs a wingman? King Acrisius of Argos makes a fateful mistake by pulling the gods' punk card, essentially declaring war on them. His wife also declares their daughter, Andromeda, to be more beautiful than Aphrodite herself. This prompts Hades(Ralph Fiennes) to urge his brother Zeus to seek vengeance against the uppity humans by demanding Andromeda be sacrificed to the monstrous Kraken(of "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" fame). The Kraken is who the gods call when hurling lightning bolts and releasing human devouring tornadoes just won't cut it. In a freak accident, Perseus's family gets wiped out by a god's carelessness. So the obvious decision is to join the warriors of Argos in their crusade to put an end to the gods' rule and gain vegeance.

Clash of the Titans screws up in nearly every conceivable way.  Everytime I began to enjoy myself, Sam Worthington would deliver some awful line of corny dialogue, or the many...many....many special effects snafus would crop up. The story itself is full of action that feels held back for some reason. For instance, there is a potentially amazing battle with a number of gigantic scorpions that sprung from the blood of a wounded foe. The action is fierce, and director Louis Letterier does a good job keeping track of the numerous characters involved. However, and this is a problem that plagues the entire movie, the 3-D is muddy, looking like the lens had been smeared by vaseline. Lifting up my glasses actually made the sequences easier to follow. That's not supposed to happen. There is no reason to see this movie in 3-D. The transition scenes appear to be shot completely in 2-D, anyway. I'm with James Cameron on this one. If you're going to do 3-D at all, it's gotta be planned from the start. You can't tack it on at the end and hope it's passable. It's not. Some of the creatures(in particular the Djinn), look like they were extras from The Muppet Show.

I consider myself something of a mythology stickler, but the original Clash of the Titans played fast and loose with Perseus' story and so I expected the same here. Only there's no dramatic weight to anything, which is the fault of the lousy script. Let's just say Homer ain't exactly quaking in his boots. Nobody shows up for Clash of the Titans for the sharp writing, which is fine since it was given no consideration anyway. Perseus comes across more as a spoiled brat than a vengeful demi-god, but it's not his lack of a real character arc that bugs me. It was the handling of the gods themselves, in particular Zeus, who comes across like a wuss. I'll ignore the shining, blazing snuggy™ he seemed to be wearing half the time, and just say that Liam Neeson looked far more energetic getting felt up by Amanda Seyfried in Chloe than he did as a lightning bolt wielding deity. Not that I blame him. I'd be bored to if all I had to do was lounge around in the fishbowl that was Mt. Olympus.

It's not all bad. Mads Mikkelsen(Casino Royale, After the Wedding) provides the adrenaline and machismo this film sorely needs as Draco, the leader of the Praetorian guard working alongside Perseus. When he and Worthington are together it's not even a competition which one is more charismatic. Any chance they can remake this with Mads in the lead role? The sequence in Medusa's lair is great, and offers the film's most tense moments. I just wish there were more.

The film's climax is an epic dud, with Andromeda chained up as a sacrifice and the rebelling masses below watching as the Kraken takes his sweet time rising up from the depths. I spent more time in line getting curly fries than it actually spends out of the water, but it is an impressive sight to behold.

The action in Clash of the Titans is intense but sporadic. You'll have far more fun reliving the cheesier original with your buddies than sitting through this. Or do yourself a favor and see if you can dig up Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief at some bargain theater somewhere.