Be honest, you laughed when Hasbro announced it would be making a movie based on their naval warfare board game, Battleship. How exactly would it work? Would it be a bunch of people sitting around shouting "A-9" while the other person lies about the location of their little plastic submarine? It seemed ludicrous, and a huge waste of money for Universal, who was in the midst of a terrible box office slump. And then Peter Berg hopped aboard as director, and while he's not exactly Martin Scorsese, the actor turned filmmaker does have one specialty, and that is to find the emotional touchstones in the most visceral of movie experiences. He did it to perfection in the football drama, Friday Night Lights, and again in the war thriller, The Kingdom. Battleship definitely isn't Berg's most ambitious film, but it's not as terrible as many probably expected it to be. In fact, it hits all the right notes for a giant summer blockbuster about alien invaders and transforming space ships.
Wait....alien invaders? Transforming space ships? What the heck does this have to do with the Battleship you knew and loved? Absolutely nothing. You don't even get a "You sunk my battleship!" line shoe-horned into the script. No, what you're in for is the type of large scale explode-a-thon that Michael Bay gets all hot 'n bothered about, and Berg is just the right man for the job. Taylor Kitsch plays Alex Hopper, a breezy laid back screw-up who hangs in Hawaii with his older bro, Stone(Alexander Skarsgard), a stiff and responsible naval commander on the USS Sampson. Believe it or not, the film's greatest stakes are raised in the opening moments, as Alex risks life, limb, and self respect to score a chicken burrito for the super hot blond, Samantha Shane(Brooklyn Decker), and ends up in custody for his trouble. Years later, Stone has forced Alex into the fleet in hopes of straightening him out, and even though he's still a well-intentioned moron, he's at least managed to gain Samantha's love. Unfortunately, she's also the daughter of Admiral Shane(Liam Neeson), commander of the entire Pacific fleet, and not exactly Alex's biggest fan. Of course while all this is going on, tech geeks are setting up the seeds for the planet's destruction. Eggheads at NASA have discovered a distant planet with an atmosphere similar to our own, and establish a program called The Beacon Project to reach out to any possible inhabitants. So it's knee-slapping hilarious when those same folks are shocked when it actually works, and an unstoppable extraterrestrial force shows up on Oahu's shores spoiling for a fight with some sailors. Erecting a massive energy dome around the area, the ships are effectively cut off from the world, and must rely on their own wits, firepower, and those massive warships to survive.
A number of subplots are juggled in the air, some of which are more effective than others. Samantha is a physical therapist, and she's stuck on an island with an old warhorse solder(real life amputee Gregory Gadson) who has lost the will to fight after losing both his legs. Of course the arrival of the aliens gives him the spark he needs, just as their presence forces Alex to man up and stop acting like a clown. Rihanna glowers and growls as a heavy gunning petty officer in a role that Michelle Rodriguez must have politely declined. The pop star isn't given a whole lot to work with, so to say she was terrible isn't really fair. She's perfectly fine at delivering a clever quip before blasting an alien invader into smithereens. Such a thin plot wasn't built for handling so many characters, and so the ongoing feud between Alex and a Japanese officer feels forced and generically plotted. That said, Berg does hit the mark in nearly every other area. Clearly drawing an inspiration from the blaring metalstorm of Bay's Transformers films, the action is equally thrilling and eye-opening, especially during those moments when the fleet is literally dwarfed by the size of the incoming squadron. A pair of razor bladed, prehensile-tailed wheels of destruction are absolutely awesome to behold, and Berg captures the earth's devastation with an enthusiasm only matched by his patriotic zeal. Casting a number of real life Pearl Harbor vets, the final 20 minutes are a hokey, jingoistic riot, but it's hard not to yelp when the old guys show the young whippersnappers a thing or two about real war.
Battleship isn't going to win anybody any awards, but did anybody really think that was the point? It's one big, deafening, cheesy, floating spectacle that won't leave you feeling totally sunk when it's over.
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