Jesus Christ, this show.
In all seriousness, how have we gotten to six seasons of True Blood? It literally, in every way, boggles my mind that this insane campfest of softcore pornography and gallons of fake blood has survived this long. And yet, it’s kind of reassuring, isn’t it? The government might be spying on all of us and the end of the world has arrived in the spawn of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, and yet, True Blood just keeps on trucking. The insanity in Bon Temps just keeps getting insaner. And that, I must admit, is somewhat comforting.
For those who are still keeping up, last season was, for the most part, kind of a snoozefest, but introduced us to Eric’s vampire sister Nora, who he likes to have marathon sex with; cemented Bill as a new crazy vampire religious leader when he drank the blood of original vampire Lilith, jarring Sookie and his progeny Jessica; saw Sookie’s former best friend Tara transformed into a vampire by Eric’s progeny Pam and then they kissed some; Alcide became leader of his pack; Lafayette wore some fabulous outfits; Sam and his shifter girlfriend Luna showed themselves on television; and … I don’t know, I’m sure some other stuff happened. Oh, Jason became a vampire-hater again and called off his relationship with Jessica, and his former best friend Hoyt had his memory glamoured by Jessica and he moved to Alaska. I think that’s everything? I hope that’s everything.
So season six premiere “Who Are You, Really?” last night picked up immediately where last summer left off, and of course, it was ridiculous. In like, every way possible. And with this recap every week, I’m going to list the five most “Of course, such an insane thing would only happen in Bon Temps” moments of the previous night’s episode. Unlike my Game of Thrones recaps, which compared the shows to the books and put forth some conspiracy theories about where the series would go, I don’t think True Blood needs that kind of extensively detailed treatment.
Let’s just laugh at the ridiculousness and giggle at all the butts. It’s the least we can do. So for my recap, click through! (Oh, and of course: SPOILERS ahead!)
1. Oh, what’s that? Bill Compton is now Billith, covered in blood and grime and viscera? But then he cleans up super-nice by the end of the episode and looks especially fit and trim and freshly shaven? And then he fights with Eric, in a wrestling scene that is prone to flutter many men’s and women’s hearts? Oh, OK. Sounds good! Sounds about right for Bill Compton, most vanilla of all characters on this show! (And in terms of actual plot, Bill is now super-powerful after drinking Lilith’s blood, and can control stuff with his mind, among other things; Jessica is staying with him to ground him and Sookie tried to stake him, convinced that the Bill she knew is dead and this is some power-hungry crazy-religious imposter, or, as Jason called him, “a naked, evil Superman.”)
2. The governor of Louisiana, Truman Burrell (played by new-to-the-show Arliss Howard), makes a very public stance against vampires, delivering some of the smart, pointed rhetoric we’ve come to expect from this show: “Buy a gun, buy as many as you can!” he urges humans before instating a vampire curfew and a mandate to shut down all vampire-run businesses. “This is still America. You have the right to defend yourselves and the people you love.” At the same time, though, he’s also partnering with the creators of Tru Blood, basically double-crossing both the humans and the vampires at the same time. So he’s basically the Mitt Romney of Bon Temps, and his threat of a vampire crackdown becomes very, very real when a SWAT team raids Fangtasia, hurting Pam and Tara. So not only is Bill a threat, but so is the government, making vampires like Eric and Nora seem very much like outcasts in their own community. 
3. Sookie disinvites Eric from her house! Clearly this would only happen in Bon Temps because WHO IN REAL LIFE, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND, WOULD NOT ALLOW ALEXANDER SKARSGÅRD INTO THEIR HOME? THAT IS JUST A DAMN LIE. (And the backstory for that move is that because Sookie wants to leave her old life behind her since she believes the old Bill is dead, and because Eric signs her house’s deed back over to her, she can cut off ties with the vampires. The move is also probably brought on by Jason accusing her of caring more for vampires than she does about him or her dead parents, who were murdered by a vampire named Warlow, who ends up being Lilith’s creation and the second-oldest vampire in the world. And he’s after Sookie, of course, since she was signed over to him by the Stackhouse family years ago. Which leads to Warlow (perhaps played by the wonderful, legendary Rutger Hauer; I'm not sure if Hauer is exactly Warlow yet, and I don't want to read any casting news to spoil me) tracking down Jason, who promptly spills his entire life story to this mysterious man WEARING A BOW TIE AND LOOKING A MILLION YEARS OLD. God, Jason is an idiot.) 
4. I guess my bias will show here, but I am usually totally disinterested in the stories of Arlene, Terry, and Andy; I know they’re humans and we need them for perspective, but meh. I can’t get into it. However, I was amused by Andy’s four little fairy babies this week, especially since they aged up to toddlers in only one night. Plus, I did love Arlene slapping Andy in the face with the reality of the situation—“I got news for you: Life ain’t fair!”—and teaching him about changing diapers—“Purell, Purell, Purell, before and after.” OK, and I did love the line, “I’m Sheriff Andy Bellefleur, and I’m gonna be your daddy.” FINE, I GUESS I AM OK WITH THESE CHARACTERS AFTER ALL. WHATEVER. I CAN CHANGE MY OPINIONS. ARGHHHHH. 
+ A few other thoughts, mainly in the form of great quotes:
+ “‘Bout damn time somebody did something about you all,” Jason says after the governor gives a particularly anti-vampire speech; the replies of Sookie, Jessica, Tara, Pam, and Nora in the car with him: “Shut up, Jason.”
+ “Honey, I don’t know about the world, but I’m about to end your face. … Who the fuck is Mary Poppins, and can I please kill her?” Pam asks Eric upon first meeting Nora and not knowing she is her maker’s sister. And honestly, I can totally get behind this. Nora is the fucking worst. (Also great from Pam this week: a description of the beach as “fish piss and sand in your cooch” and, to Tara, “This isn’t going to be some epic fucking love story. You can’t replace him and you never will” when the latter shit-talks Eric. Basically, as we all know from the five previous seasons of this show, Pam is a god when it comes to quotes.)
+ “You mean you want to kill Bill.” Yes, Jessica! Thank you for referencing one of Quentin Tarantino’s finest works in the most lovely, obvious way possible.
+ “He’s never read a book in his life,” Eric says of Jason, and, well, that’s probably the case.
+ “I am no monster,” says Bill, and “I am not the Big Bad everybody needs to fear,” says the governor. Oh, OK. Understatements of the season, I expect.
+ “I’m your No. 1 bitch. Don’t ever forget it,” says Rikki to Alcide, right before forcing groupie werewolf Danielle to give him oral sex. Which, I’m sorry, but this scene was revolting and off-putting; lesbian neck-biting and unnecessary threesomes are, of course, True Blood’s bread and butter, but is this really all the writers can come up with for the werewolf storyline? All the werewolves look like rednecks alcoholics with awful tattoos and apparently their women are simultaneously needy and possessive. I’m really, really not into it. (However, yes, I will attach a picture of Alcide’s butt, because I know that’s what a fair amount of people are watching this show for. Stay tuned for next week, hopefully with more butts!)
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