Review: 'This Means War', starring Reese Witherspoon and Tom Hardy

Perhaps the best part about following movies from birth to completion is that you get to see every single step along the way, both for good and ill.  For instance, This Means War, which had a script that had been floating around Hollywood for years, along the way going through so many changes that it no longer resembled the original concept. Initially titled Spy vs. Spy like the eternally bickering agents from Mad Magazine, Sam Worthington, Seth Rogen, and even Bradley Cooper saw the writing on the wall and hightailed it away from a potential disaster. McG, who remains popular because his name sounds like it should be on a fast food menu and because he made a lot of money with two flicks of hot chicks doing crazy stunts(how'd he make that work!!?), has been in love with the film since the beginning even while nobody else has.

Now after what seemed like an eternity of trying to find a release date weak enough for the film to quietly settle in, we get This Means War, featuring the promising trio of Captain Kirk(Chris Pine), Bane(Tom Hardy), and Tracy Flick(Reese Witherspoon) and the results are decidedly unpromising. Hardy and Pine play Tuck and FDR Foster(seriously that's his name), two best friends and CIA agents who are like a less interesting, somewhat homoerotic version of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys. When we meet them they're undercover investigating a case that involve a global terrorist(Til Schweiger), but don't get too invested in it, because the rest of the film sure as heck doesn't.

What matters is that Tuck and FDR are buds, joined at the hip. They're like The Beatles of the black ops set, until a Yoko Ono by the name of Lauren(Witherspoon) jams a monkey wrench into the spokes.  Lauren is the stereotypical rom-com hot chick who can't find a date, but for once it's pretty clear why: she's got all the personality of a sack of hammers. Her married and bored best friend, Trish(Chelsea Handler), puts her on a dating website, where she instantly meets Tuck, who as a single father can't make heads or tails of the singles scene. After the success of their first date, she hooks up with the smooth, charming FDR in a video store(they still make those!!?), and soon she's stringing both guys along like puppets.

It isn't long before the two old friends discover they're dating the same girl, coming to a gentleman's agreement to see who can  win her heart. Of course it goes disastrously wrong, with both abusing the government's surveillance assets, wasting our taxpayer money, and shredding the Constitution at every turn to make sure the other doesn't ever round third base with Lauren. There's actually some good mileage that can be had from that idea, but the script is genuinely awful, and feels like it's been re-written by a bunch of folks over a number of years. Oh wait, it was. Almost from the beginning the film feels dated, with ancient jokes about the dangers of online dating, and a soundtrack that sounds like it was ripped right out of someone's Walkman™.

It's a shame to watch two such talented stars wasting away in such throwaway material. Two, because Chris Pine is about as bland of an actor as one can be, with his helmet hair and John Doe face. He's like leading man clip art, and his character's swagger is never believable for a moment. Without the benefit of J.J. Abrams' writing, Pine disappears from view. Hardy shows some of the same ferocity he showed in Inception, but mixed with at ouch of playful goofiness that occasional works. He actually has the film's one big laugh, during a paintball game in which his CIA skills are put to lethal good use against a bunch of weekend warriors. Then, in what is basically a microcosm of the film's mediocrity, that scene is ruined by some lame genital humor that goes nowhere.

The one to feel sorry for is Witherspoon, who just can't seem to find her niche anymore. Romantic comedies are usually where she butters her bread, but she's struck out wildly with the last few, only finding mild success in the period romance, Water for Elephants. McG knows how to emphasize her greater attributes, she remains beautiful and perky, but her personality makes her the equivalent of a MacGuffin. What are these two guys fighting over exactly? She's not that much of a catch. Surprisingly, it's the usually irritating Chelsea Handler who comes out unscathed, because basically she's just doing a watered down version of the routine she's been doing for years, that of the drunken skank. It's easy to knock McG for his two Charlie's Angels movies, but they were intentionally frivolous and tongue in cheek. Terminator Salvation was a disaster that killed an entire franchise. He showed some skill with his decent but forgettable football drama, We Are Marshall, but whatever he had then appears to have been flushed down the toilet.

Then again, every one is pretty horrible in this movie. Tuck and FDR lie. Lauren lies. Nobody really pays for it because...well, everybody is so darn good looking. Unfortunately, This Means War isn't, so it might be a good idea to raise the white flag of surrender a little early.