The Queue: Against The Dark (2009)

It's been ages since I last did this column, which is weird because this was a film I've been dying to see ever since it first came to my attention. I mean...it's Steven Seagal, he of the flabby arms and douche-tastic pony tail vs. vampires. That's right. Vampires. Not average everyday henchman getting their arms snapped or a gaggle of drugged out Rastas. Vampires. If that idea sounds ludicrous to you as well, then you're probably this movie's target audience. Surely this movie wasn't made for fans of vampire movies, because frankly they're all pretty lame. And I doubt fans of Seagal will be pleased at his meager output here. Hardly a bone gets broken, but damn if there aren't more than a few crippling one-liners thrown around.

Seagal's first line out of the gate sets the tone for just how cheesy this film is going to be for the duration, as he and his squad show up to save a girl from being devoured by vicious vamps: "We're not here to decide who's right or wrong, we're just here to decide who lives and dies." Considering this is a bunch of seasoned vampire hunters, I was at a loss to figure out why he felt the need to tell anyone that. Maybe he was talking to me? I needed that bit of information I guess.

The world's been decimated by an unknown virus that has transformed most of the population into blood thirsty vampires. Seagal plays Tao, the leader of a squad devoted to killing the creatures wherever they hide. His team is sent to retrieve a group of innocents from a devastated hospital overrun by vamps. To say that the acting is lifeless would be an insult to corpses everywhere. Even Seagal himself, who should have recognized that he was the only one capable of carrying this crap, sleepwalks his way through. Maybe it's because he never really gets to use his "vaunted" martial arts "skills". No, Tao is a swordsman, and he ginsus his way through what I think is the same hack/slash motion spliced together for every fight.

Special effects quality is SyFy Channel at best, but what more could be expected from this straight-to-DVD debacle? There's plenty of gore, but in another show of budget cutting, it's basically the same scene of vamps digging into some poor slob's entrails like Thanksgiving dinner. I understand production values are low, but repetition on this level is inexcusable.

Not for fans of Steven Seagal. Not for fans of vampires. Not really for anybody but those of us who enjoy indulging in horrible movies. Just because I had fun with that aspect of it doesn't make this a good film. Avoid!

2/10

Next on The Queue: Black Book (2006)