Review: Jonah Hex

A supernatural western set 100 years after American Independence, 1876 for those who didn’t do too well in history class, Jonah Hex stars Josh Brolin in the title role. Hex was once a confederate soldier who turned his unit in for killing innocents. In doing so he had to kill Jeb, son of his general Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich). Turnbull, feeling betrayed and stripped of all he loved, captures Hex and ties him up while torching his house with his wife and kid still inside. Hex is forced to watch his family burn alive. Turnbull doesn’t stop there, he also brands Jonah’s face so that he will always remember the day Quentin Turnbull took everything from him. Nursed to health by an Indian tribe Hex survives the ordeal with only revenge on his mind. Unfortunately for him Turnbull dies in a fire before his revenge can be taken. Without his family and no longer a soldier Hex subsides by bounty hunting and he’s damn good too. Word quickly spreads and turns into legend as the great Jonah Hex rides through the wilds of post colonial America. His life is empty and meaningless, that is until Turnbull turns up alive with plans of destruction aimed at the entire country. The President requests that Hex be found and tasked with taking down Turnbull, a request that Hex is all too happy to oblige. Along with his horse and the one living person he has a connection to, Lilah (Megan Fox), Hex goes on his mission to stop Turnbull and finally exact his revenge.




If that summary seemed at all confusing you’ll have to forgive me…I didn’t have a lot to work with. I had to summarize a movie that did not know itself what it was about so that’s the best you’re going to get. Jonah Hex is a series of bad one liner jokes and over-exaggerated explosions linked together to create something that resembles an attempt at story telling. The acting, which I usually don’t comment on, is bad, I mean really bad. The supporting cast plays like a group of extra’s from the old video game Mad Dog McGraw just one bad old timey western accent after another. Malkovich, who to me can usually do no wrong, has seriously miscast in the role of the terroristic villain and his performance suffers because of it. None of his performance is believable or intimidating, his Shakespearean delivery just does not fit, that’s not even to mention that he falls in and out of his western accent every other line. I thought I would be able to say that Josh Brolin was a bright spot but the honest truth is his performance gets worse as the movie plays out. He starts out strong but eventually he just turns into a series of bad one-liners with a serious case of mush mouth. I get the whole scarred face thing but if I can’t understand what you’re saying it’s kind of hard to follow along. Add to this already growing list a mixture of stiff dialogue and uncomfortable bouts of silence and your result is not an enjoyable time.

I’m unsure of how they managed to fail so horribly in explaining the story, his powers, and who Hex is as a person. I mean, they flashback to the origin scenes about 6 times and you still can’t really get a clear picture of what’s going on. Bad storytelling aside, the filmmakers decided to include just about every single action movie cliché of the last 30 years. This one’s got it all from empty wooden buildings that explode like a Chinese fireworks factory to the villain, or in this case sub-villian, who runs a monologue to the injured hero instead of just shooting him in the head. Sadly, I’m not finished. This flick has some of the most off the wall weird scenes I’ve ever seen. You’ll know what I mean if you see the movie, not that I can recommend you do.

This is where I usually would put the good parts of the movie. If I’m being honest with you this space remains blank. If I’m really stretching I would say that Megan Fox does a little bit of ass kicking in some pretty good action sequences near the film’s end. This good aspect is immediately outweighed by the truth it brings to light, that they made the love interest more bad ass and lethal then our hero. I did chuckle a few times at some of the jokes even if most of them fell flat. The film’s also mercifully short at just over an hour and 20 minutes so they at least get to the point…if there is one, I couldn’t tell. That’s it…I can say no more.

I don’t think I really even need this closing paragraph as I’m sure the rest of my review speaks for itself, but just in case, here it is. Jonah Hex is disjointed, confusing, uncomfortable, and just downright boring. I honestly could have continued for another three or four pages about what didn’t work in this movie but I’m afraid hearing a movie is this bad may drive you to see it and I gotta say, I really don’t want that. This movie is NOWHERE near being worth your time and certainly not your hard earned money. Skip it in theaters, on DVD, and when it comes on cable find something else to occupy your time. I think the emergency broadcast system test message tells a more complete story.

0 out of 5 Guttenbergs