Conan the Barbarian, starring Jason Momoa and Rose McGowan

By Crom! After being away for nearly three decades, somebody felt like there was something left unsaid by those two memorable, but ultimately terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan films. And so here we are with Conan the Barbarian, a bloody and brainless 3-D spectacle that revels in the character's pulpy origins. For fans of the Robert E. Howard character, there's enough to hope for better adventures in the future. But for the unitiated, the meaningless brawls and beheadings will quickly grow tiresome.

No longer is Conan being played by a musclebounded Austrian with barely a handle on the English language. The mantle has been taken over by Jason Momoa. a musclebound Hawaiian with a marginal handle on the English language. To be fair, Momoa I think embodies the character far better than Schwarzenegger ever did. He's certainly more expressive and athletic, where Schwarzenegger was a lumbering boulder.

The next time you hear one of those stories about a baby being born in an elevator or a taxi cab, remember that kid's got nothin' on poor Conan's entry into the world of Hyboria. Born literally in the thick of battle, ripped from his dying mother's womb with a sharp blade and held high to the heavens like Simba in The Lion King.  His father(Ron Perlman) trains his son to be the toughest and bravest of all, but young Conan also has an unmatched battle arrogance. When his tribe is attacked by the power mad warrior Khalar Zym(Stephen Lang) and his witchy daughter(Rose McGowan), he defies his father's commands and fights. For a story like this, it's a must that Conan's father die, in order for the young warrior to have some revenge to seek later on. It's pretty standard.

As to why they were attacked at all? Does it matter? There's some mumbo jumbo about an all-powerful mask which Zym seeks, broken into fragments and spread amongst the barbarian tribes. He needs it to become a god or something, which sounds like a totally stressful gig to me. You won't care about it much, either. It's really just an excuse for Conan to lop a few heads off and growl while doing it. Along the way he scoops up(literally) a beautiful pure blood princess(Rachel Nichols) who Zym needs for his master plan. Besides her ocean blue eyes, she's really just there to be an irritant an occasional sex object for Conan. When she actually does speak to him for more than a ten seconds, he responds with a laughably bad prepared catchphrase: " I live. I love. I slay, and I am content".  Tony Robbins is quaking in his boots.

Disappointment fuels my attitude towards this film, because there are plenty of things to like. The action is frequent and intense. Momoa is actually quite good, even if every now and then he looks like a lazy surfer. The story is simple sword 'n sandals stuff that will keep fans of the genre entertained. The problem is the director, Marcus Nispel(Friday the 13th, Pathfinder). Chances are you've had your equilibrium knocked off kilter by his awkward camera style before, which somehow manages to be both chaotic and static at the same time. During the battle sequences, it's nearly impossible to tell what's going on. He shoots from an extreme close-up perspective for everything, yet he can't keep himself from quick cutting so fast you don't know who's arm just got removed from their body. The effect is boredom, and when the film is 90% sword fights nobody should be counting sheep.  3-D, added in post, doesn't lend itself to Nispel's style of filmmaking. To be blunt it might be the worst use of 3-D we've seen all year.

Supposedly Momoa is hard at work on writing a potential sequel, and the door is certainly left open for more. It's a strong, bold move for the relatively unknown actor, who seems poised for some level B-list stardom.  Here's hoping he finds a director who can do the classic Conan some justice.