Review: Battleship-- John's take

            There’s no other way to start this review than to say that this one was fighting an uphill battle from the start. There’s an unfair prejudice put on any game to movie adaptation, video or board, but Battleshipset the bar for collective internet anger. I can’t say that I wasn’t among those who wore out their W, T, and F keys in response. I mean, be honest, was the game really that exciting? Other than the rush of anticipation between choosing E12 and hearing your opponent tell you ‘Hit’ or ‘Miss’ there really wasn’t much that separated the classic game from a rousing “What number am I thinking of” competition. You can see why I wasn’t seeing a $200 million dollar movie coming from this. Alas, where there’s nostalgia there’s a way…a plot was added and a movie was made. Here’s a quick rundown, Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a screw up and Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) is his older brother…the brother parents always want you to be more like. After Alex ends up in handcuffs following a chicken burrito heist (don’t laugh, it was for a girl) Stone makes him enlist in the Navy. Fast forward seven years, Alex is now Lt. Hopper  in command of the weapons center on US Navy destroyer John Paul Jones, Stone is now Commander Hopper of the USS Sampson both of which reside at Pearl Harbor. The previously mentioned chicken burrito girl is Samantha Shane, Lt. Hopper’s soon to be fiancée pending her father’s approval…oh, and he happens to be Pacific Fleet Commander Shane (Liam Neeson) top dog in the Hopper brother’s world.  The fleet is preparing to begin RIMPAC, a series of naval war games in which they US fleet will face off against a visiting Japanese naval fleet. Meanwhile an alien craft has crashed into the ocean off the coast of Hawaii after being directed to earth by a deep space signal sent out by NASA. As the naval ships begin moving out to sea for the start of the games the alien craft surfaces and wastes no time producing an impenetrable forcefield trapping a fraction of the ships and the Hawaiian islands inside and cut off from any hope of help. The remaining sailors must find out the intentions of the ET’s and, perhaps more importantly, how to defeat them. That is WAY more interesting than what I would have come up with, I have to admit. That little fact shouldn’t surprise anyone but will the movie surprise audiences with it’s awesomeness or will the stigma of game adapts be strengthened?

            In short, the stigma is strengthened. The movie is a perfect example of what a 50’s sci-fi B-movie would be with unlimited cash and today’s technology. Limbergher cheese lines, no effort given to realism, threats that resolve themselves in ridiculous ways and characters that are right off the boat from Stereotypeistan it all makes you wonder if it’s meant to be taken as a joke. This can all be easily forgiven if the film is fun to watch…hell it can actually make a film better if it’s fun to watch. Battleshipis fun to watch, just not THAT fun. Taylor Kitsch is hilarious in the first twenty minutes and does a good job the rest of the movie with what little he was given in terms of character development. Alexander Skarsgard is quickly becoming a favorite of mine but he’s given a fraction of what little Kitsch got, his character is supposed to be the emotional lynchpin of the movie which is what makes it all the worse that the writers really didn’t care about much other than working on ways to reference the board game while things go BOOM. There are some good points worth noting, the creature design for one is amazing. The beings have a look that is at the same time completely alien and unmistakably familiar. Yes they have porcupine goatee’s and 4 fingered play-doh hands but their eyes are very human, especially when they are still suited up. The suits, by the way, are extremely imposing in the best of ways but I think video game fans will be upset by them due to their similarity to Master Chief of Halo fame. As upset as some were over that project being shelved this movie will serve as a big fat reminder of how great a Halo movie could have been. There are about a million things I could nitpick, like how 7 people can operate a naval destroyer usually crewed by 500 or why the aliens have vehicles that move through water like giant metal dolphins from Cybertron, but doing so will only make me bitter and I’m honestly starting to not hate this movie.

            In a summer of filled with Avengers and Dark Knight’s a popcorn movie that doesn’t try to be more is going to stick out. I’m sure plenty of folks will buy a ticket and enjoy the 2 hours they spend with the movie. I’m not one of them…I’d really rather rent Down Periscope or McHale’s Navy if I need a movie involving the Navy.

1.5 out of 5

PS: Am I the only one who think's they should have adapted the 'Nuke'em' game from Robocop?