Seven Kingdoms Scoop: “Game of Thrones” recap of “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”

Man, every time I think, “Hmm, this episode of Game of Thrones might be the first kind of ho-hum episode of Game of Thrones ever,” I feel like George R. R. Martin just reaches through the TV and SMACKS ME IN THE FACE. Which is basically what happened this week, since Martin wrote the episode “The Bear and the Maiden Fair,” our seventh episode of season three. Sure, we had lots of relationship talk between Jon Snow and Ygritte and Robb and Talisa (butts, might I add—we saw the latter pair’s butts!), and yes, I got slightly bored by Sansa’s incessant whining about her upcoming wedding to Tyrion. Get over it, lady; at least it’s not Joffrey.

But then! Even more grown dragons! A bear! Dany being regal and wonderful! Jaime being selfless and courageous! Yup, “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” redeemed itself, even if some elements were still quite unfulfilling. Sansa is just now realizing that she would need to have sex with Tyrion? Theon can’t keep it in his pants for like five minutes? And can’t Bran and Jojen Reed just cut Osha a break? So yes, “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” had some good moments, but oof, some things were clumsy this week. Let’s hope for better in the final coming weeks of season three.

For this week’s five best moments, though, click through! (Oh, and of course: SPOILERS ahead!)

1.    Catelyn Stark is still pissed at Robb, and she’s going to let everyone know—as they march toward the Freys’ for Edmure’s wedding to one of Walder Frey’s daughters, she grumbles about how Walder will take their lateness (because of the rain) as yet another slight. “He’s getting a wedding; it was a king he wanted,” she snipes, but Catelyn can’t keep Robb and Talisa from attacking each other … sexually. And she also can’t stop the fact that Talisa is already pregnant, leading to a wonderful “Am I the father?” Maury-level face from Robb. (Interesting aside: There’s been a persistent rumor floating around that Talisa, who is a changed version of Robb’s wife from the books, may actually be a Lannister spy in this iteration of the character. Thoughts, people? Thoughts?) Anyway, at the initial mention of her pregnancy, Robb looks just as confused as his younger sister Sansa, who in King’s Landing frets to Margaery about her upcoming marriage to Tyrion. Although Sansa (rightly) calls herself a “stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns,” she turns to Margaery for advice, and the future queen adroitly answers, “Has Lord Tyrion ever mistreated you? Has he been kind to you? … [He is] far from the worst Lannister, wouldn’t you say? … Tyrion may surprise you; from what I’ve heard he’s quite experienced.” So, we learn from this little exchange that a. Sansa is still laughably, endearingly virginal and b. Margaery is not, so much? For weeks we’ve been hearing Cersei snark about Margaery’s revealing dress and how that must make her a slut, but here we’re getting an idea that maybe Cersei was at least right in thinking that Margaery is already sexually experienced—if she ever makes it to Joffrey’s bed, could he even tell? Questions, questions.

2.    In other Joffrey news, we learn that news of Dany’s dragons is reaching greater urgency in King’s Landing—and it’s beginning to freak the king out. He calls in his grandfather, Tywin, to ask why the Small Council’s meetings are all in the Hand’s tower … it has so many steps, and why would Joffrey be forced to climb them? If, you know, he ever hypothetically attended a Small Council meeting. Tywin’s glower as he stares down Joffrey (“We could arrange to have you carried,” he snarks) and his subtle refusal to either move the Small Council meetings to be closer to Joffrey or even allow Joffrey to attend them is pretty wonderful. “You are being counseled at this very moment,” Tywin tells Joffrey, but we all know he’s not. In this situation, Grandpa has all the power. How that will work out for the Lannisters if Dany ever comes knocking is anyone’s guess.

3.    And the thing is, Dany is already knocking on another slave city’s doors; this time it’s Yunkai, the Yellow City, with 200,000 slaves inside. Astapor’s specialty was the fighting Unsullied and Yunkai’s is prostitutes, which probably hits Dany especially close to home, given that her brother originally sold her to Khal Drogo for a fairly similar purpose. But Yunkai isn’t like Astapor—Jorah notes the city has “provisions, patience, and strong walls”—and when the Yunkai’i emissary comes to meet with Dany, he looks very smug indeed, offering her a chest full of gold and a ship or two to get out of their hair. But Dany won’t be that easily bought off, not with her very ferocious-looking dragons by her side. Her casual throwing of meat to them was excellent, as was her explanation of their threatening behavior toward the man: “My dragons made no promises, and you threatened their mother.” Although Dany is a little worried about the emissary’s boast of having “powerful friends,” that shot of her and Drogon? You wouldn’t think Dany has a care at all. Straight pimpin’.

4.    Far, far away, now on the not-cold side of the Wall, Ygritte and Jon Snow continue their love affair, even though it’s drawn the disapproval of warg Orell, who tells Jon Snow that he’s not right for the wildling girl: “She understands the way things are. People work together when it suits them; they’re loyal when it suits them; love each other when it suits them; and they kill each other when it suits them. She knows that; you don’t—which is why you’ll never hold onto her.” Orell then makes his own play for Ygritte, telling her, “You love him ‘cause he’s pretty, is that it? You like his pretty hair and his pretty eyes,” and noting that when she finds out who Jon “really is,” she won’t be as enthused. WHO IS THAT EXACTLY, ORELL? But the young lovers can’t be deterred, even if Ygritte thinks a windmill is a castle and Jon Snow has to inform her that wildlings have tried to invade the North six times and have always failed. Ygritte, of course, knows that Jon is still loyal to Castle Black (she picks up on it when he says “all of you” instead of “all of us” when referring to the wildlings), but we get a retread of her speech to him last week with, “You’re mine and I’m yours. If we die, we die. But first, we’ll live.” Cue the passionate kissing! Obviously.

5.    And last but not least comes my favorite pairing of the show, Jaime and Brienne, who, sadly, do not have any passionate kissing. But! Jaime does return Harrenhal to save her from Locke and his men, who were of course going to rape and then kill her (Locke’s “We’ll take good care of her” leaves all kinds of terrible shit to the imagination). But when Jaime arrives, they’re toying with her first, having thrown her into a pit with a giant grizzly bear and only a wooden sword to defend herself. “I’ve only got one bear,” is Locke’s reasoning, but after Jaime jumps into the pit, gets the man he’s bought off to shoot the bear, and climbs back out with Brienne, he certainly seems like the most courageous Lannister indeed. “Sorry about your sapphires” isn’t a particularly great quip to Locke as Jaime walks away, but I’ll give his less-than-usual cleverness a pass since he JUST ESCAPED A BEAR. (In other Jaime news, he learns why Qyburn, who has been treating his stump, was stripped of his maester’s chain: grotesque experiments on humans. You know, as scientists do.)

+ A few other final thoughts:

+ Some great lines from the wildlings this week, as Ygritte wonders, “Why would a girl see blood and collapse?” and Gaintsbane gives Jon Snow some sex advice: “Don’t jam it in like you’re spearing a pig!” So helpful! More depressing is Osha, who is pissed that Bran, Jojen, and Meera keep whispering without her and are determined to go past the Wall, a place that terrifies Osha since her man was turned into a wight. “It means the North was no place for men to be—not anymore,” she says, which seems like the wisest thing anyone has said in a while.

+ This week saw the return of Bronn, Tyrion’s trusted no-bullshit adviser/bodyguard, who not only questions Tyrion’s half-idea to marry Shae (“How did marrying a whore work out for you the first time?”) and notes that although Sansa looks like a “tall child,” she’s still a woman. “You waste time trying to get people to love you, you’ll end up the most popular dead man in town,” Bronn says. So eloquent for a man who Tyrion has paid “to kill people who bother you.” And Tyrion also gets his share from Shae, bitter and cynical over his upcoming nuptials and angry that Tyrion wants to buy her off with a gold chain and promises of a secret home. “I’m not your lady,” she seethes. “I’m your whore. And when you’re tired of fucking me I will be nothing.”

+ Someone equally annoyed by promises men break is Arya, who tells Thoros of Myr that “death” is her only god and that she’s still pissed the men sold Gendry. Oh, and then they decide to hunt a group of Lannister-loyal men instead of taking Arya to Riverrun … so the girl runs away, straight into the arms of the Hound, who drags her off into the forest. Whoops.

+ In this episode’s worst scene, we get two naughty not-religious girls bringing Theon down from his torture X and seducing him, cooing pretty words about his junk and trying to have sex with him … which, of course, ends poorly when the Boy shows up, with a wicked knife in hand, ready to castrate the final Greyjoy son. “This is mercy. I’m not killing you—just making a few alterations,” the Boy says, and even though I know where all this is going, I’m surprised Martin would lay it out in such a way. These scenes were alluded to, not graphically presented or described, in Martin’s original novels, and I can’t help but feel like this is all overkill. We get it. The Boy is crazy. Just look at his face! Do we really need to see some more naked women to drive home the point of that insanity? Sigh.

+ And lastly, your weekly Gendry-is-hot picture! Brought to you from a ship going to King’s Landing, presumably where Melisandre and Gendry will catch another ship to Dragonstone. But now that Gendry finally knows he’s King Robert Baratheon’s bastard, what is Melisandre going to do with him? She seems too friendly with him right now to still want to drain his blood … right? WISHFUL THINKING HERE, GUYS.