Seven Kingdoms Scoop: “Game of Thrones” recap of episode “First of His Name”

The entire time I was watching “First of His Name,” I kept angrily muttering under my breath, “This didn’t happen in the books,” because I am a crazy person. Yes, that insanity informs these recaps, but as Benioff and Weiss keep deviating from George R.R. Martin’s source material, you should maybe get a little concerned for my safety. Or maybe the safety of my television, because I might be throwing things at it.

But for all my grumbling, I have to admit that while “First of His Name” was (again) a somewhat disappointing episode, at least it wasn’t horrendously egregiously wrong (ahem, Jaime/Cersei basically-rape scene in "Breaker of Chains") or horrendously egregiously stupid (ahem, all that crap going down at Craster’s Keep, again with more unnecessary rape scenes, in "Oathkeeper"). For the most part, “First of His Name” took the constructed-for-the-show plot threads and tidily tied them off, and we came to the end of the road for some characters who we didn’t really need to worry about anyway.

And throughout the whole episode, there were two themes running: what happens to little girls specifically, and what happens to people without power on a larger scale. Sansa with Littlefinger, Arya with the Hound, even Myrcella in Dorne—if these noble young women aren’t safe in this world, who is? And “First of His Name” had one of the most important reveals of not only this season, but the entire show up until this point, with Lysa’s blabbering conversation with her finally-husband Littlefinger.

Actually, let’s start off with that reveal in our five things to know about this episode. And, as always, SOME SPOILERS AHEAD.

+ “What wife would do for you the things I’ve done for you?” Oh, Lysa Arryn, you crazy, pathetic, sympathetic, completely evil bitch. Here’s the deal with Lysa and her background with Petyr, some of which the show has covered and some of which it has not: When they were children, Petyr Baelish came to live with the Tullys as a ward of theirs, and became best friends with Catelyn and the crush of younger sister Lysa. But Catelyn never reciprocated his love for her, and when she became betrothed to Brandon Stark, Petyr challenged him to a duel for her; he got properly spanked in the challenge and festered that resentment for years. Brandon would eventually die, Catelyn would eventually marry Ned, and then years later, Lysa would write Catelyn a letter telling her that the Lannisters poisoned her husband Jon Arryn, who was like a second father to Ned—sparking every single thing that has gone down between the Starks and the Lannisters since.

And who was behind that all along? The one and only Petyr Baelish, who has used Lysa’s obsessive love for him as a manipulation tool for years. She poisoned her husband for him; she lied to Catelyn for him. And now they’re married, she’s screaming like a banshee in bed (what was more repulsive, Lysa saying, “I’m warning you, I’m going to scream when my husband makes love to me,” or her trying to eat his face while making out?), and she’s paranoid and freaked out about Sansa, who Petyr is passing off as his bastard niece, Alayne Stone. (Fun fact! In the books, Petyr lies and says Sansa is his own bastard daughter, which is infinitely creepier; I guess Benioff and Weiss thought that was too weird to include in the show; but, you know, manufactured rapes are OK).

If you need any more reason to feel sympathy for Sansa/Alayne, just consider that awful conversation between her and Lysa, in which her aunt shows her full crazy: “Why. Why does he feel responsible for you?” and “What have you let Petyr do with your body? Your young, pretty body?” and “You’ll be free to marry Robin. You’ll be the Lady of the Vale, hmm?” You know, because marrying an 8-year-old prone to seizures and throwing people out of the Moon Door is really what Sansa wants in life. Thanks for nothing, Littlefinger.

+ “I’m almost done. Only one name left. The Hound.” Oh, Stark girls, why can’t you ever catch a break? Because while Sansa is suffering in the Vale, Arya is suffering in the Riverlands, still with the Hound and still receiving his particular brand of education—which is basically him hitting her and telling her she’s stupid. All those people who thought Arya and the Hound were funny together, like a buddy-cop duo—most buddy-cop duos don’t want to murder each other.

And yet Arya and the Hound are at each other’s throats this week. He mocks her prayer (“Joffrey. Cersei. Walder Frey. Meryn Trant. Tywin Lannister. The Red Woman. Beric Dondarrion. Thoros of Myr. Ilyn Payne. The Mountain … the ones I’m going to kill”), but when he hears her say “the Hound” as the final name on her list, his reaction is half-smirk, half-glower. He takes it further the next day, mocking her water dancing (although that one-handed cartwheel was very impressive, Arya!) and her (not-confirmed-but-probably-dead) teacher Syrio Forel: “I bet his hair’s greasier than Joffrey’s cunt.” But even Arya’s stabbing of him doesn’t work out for her, as she receives a backhand for her trouble and a reminder that “armor” and a “big fucking sword” are more worthwhile in their world than any kind of fancy footwork.

But Arya has to get her revenge in this life or the next, right? Because “stick them with the pointy end” is advice that has to be used on the Hound eventually.

+ “Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.” The Cersei sympathy campaign marches on this week, as Benioff and Weiss do their best to make us feel for the Queen Regent. I have my own thoughts on Cersei, and usually they’re along the lines of “NOPE, fuck off,” but it sure seems like the show did its damn hardest this week to make us care for her.

First there was the conversation with Margaery, who was eye-fucking Tommen during his crowning ceremony only to get cock-blocked by Cersei stepping into her line of vision. But then Cersei acknowledged to Margaery that Joffrey would have been “her nightmare,” and says of her relationship with her now-dead first-born son: “You never love anything in the world the way you love your first child. It doesn’t matter what they do. And what he did, it shocked me. Do you think I’m easily shocked? The things he did shocked me.”

So here’s the thing about Cersei from the books: She never, ever, EVER has any regret, ever, and would never sink so low as to tell Margaery that she needs her help with anything. So when Cersei says that Tommen “will need help, if he’s going to rule well,” I laughed out loud, because that is not the manipulative, cruel, cold-hearted, haughty Cersei that I know, love, and hate all at once. I’m not sure what Benioff and Weiss are doing here—maybe they’re trying to humanize Cersei a bit before some stuff that eventually goes down, for which I am LOOKING FORWARD TO VERY MUCH—but they continued to lay it on thick, with Cersei agreeing that she’ll marry Loras and then building a ship for Myrcella and asking Prince Oberyn to deliver it to her daughter in Dorne. Did we ever see Cersei even talk to the daughter that she now “misses … very much?” I cannot remember one scene in which they interacted in a positive way, but hey, that’s Cersei. Clawing at her children until she tears them to shreds.

And perhaps the same thing could be said of Tywin, who informs Cersei that the Lannisters are basically out of money and in severe debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos (yes, that name keeps coming up again, from the Queen of Thorns to Stannis). “Wars swallow gold like a pit in the earth,” and the constant squabbling for the crown has left the Lannisters practically broke. So as much as the Tyrells need the Lannisters to make Margaery a queen, the Lannisters need the ultra-rich Tyrells to keep them afloat. Yay, politics!

+ “I heard you like ships.” Daario, you cheesy bastard! In our shortest check-in with Dany to date, we see her favorite sellsword boasting about capturing the Meereenese navy for her, but against the wishes of advisors like him, Jorah Mormont, and Ser Barristan, Dany decides to stay put in her vanquished slave city and rule. Why, you might ask? Because 10,000 men can’t capture all of Westeros, and although Dany has three dragons, that won’t necessarily turn the tides in her favor.

And, there’s the little fact that the slave cities Dany liberated before arriving in Meereen are, well, going to shit. Yunkai is back under the control of slavers, and Astapor has been taken over by a butcher who named himself king. Understatement of the year goes to Dany admitting “It appears my liberation of Slaver’s Bay isn’t going quite as planned,” but because she is one of the only characters in this entire universe that actually gives a fuck about other people, she decides to stay put.

“Why should anyone trust me? Why should anyone follow me? … I will not let those I have freed slide back into chains. I will not sail for Westeros. I will do what queens do. I will rule.” Do you, Dany.

+ “I saw you die tonight. I saw your body burn. I saw the snow fall and bury your bones.”FUCK YEAH JOJEN REED. So far you might have thought to yourself, “Jojen Reed’s seizures are getting really annoying, and I don’t understand why he and Meera would stick along with Bran all this time.” Um, maybe because Jojen’s visions are amazing, and his bemused, deadpan takedown of rapist deserter Karl was the best thing about this storyline to date? Yeah, that.

So yup, the mutineers led by Karl are dead, Craster’s Keep is burned down, and half-brothers Bran and Jon Snow don’t meet, because Bran has to continue his quest to find the three-eyed raven, which according to Jojen, is “waiting” for Bran. In other news, Bran warged into Hodor and killed Locke, who was trying to kidnap him to take back to Roose Bolton, and it’s a move that shocked and horrified Hodor; his look at the blood on his hands was a very chilling thing. How that impacts Bran’s relationship with Hodor moving forward will be interesting to see.

And although I thought this Craster’s Keep storyline was so far The Big Yawn of Season Four, I do think some things worked really well: Jojen’s premonition to Karl, Karl’s death at the hands of Jon Snow (sword through the mouth, yes!), Jon Snow’s reunion with his direwolf Ghost (fresh off killing Rast, no less!), and Craster’s daughter/wives urging the Night’s Watch to burn the place to the ground so they can make their own way. Some men just want to watch the world burn, but if that world is Craster’s Keep, I have no complaints.

+ And here, some final thoughts:

+ “They’ll say I wasn’t a very good squire. … Mostly I poured wine.” We get a brief check-in with Brienne and Pod, who are slowly beginning to warm to each other. I loved Brienne’s shock and fear at Pod moving to take off her armor (any kind of undressing would freak out the virginal, abused, emotionally ruined Brienne), but her eventual respect at him killing a Kingsguard to save Tyrion was completely warranted. Be best friends, you guys.

+ “After I turn sad, I grow angry.” WHERE HAS THE RED VIPER BEEN? I kind of refuse to believe that he would just be sitting in the royal gardens, writing poetry, but I did appreciate the short scene we get with him and Cersei. Yes, he has eight daughters, and yes, four of them are from Ellaria Sand, and yes, all of them are nicknamed the Sand Snakes, with the fifth one named after Elia, his murdered sister. “We can avenge them,” indeed.

+ “The deed is done, faded into nothing. Only speaking of it can make it real.” Loved that line from Petyr, who essentially uses it as a very polite “Shut the fuck up” to his new wife Lysa as she blabs about everything she’s done for him. And also thinking “Shut the fuck up” about Lysa …

+ … was Sansa, who had this excellent “Bitch, please” face while listening to Lysa’s screams during her sexy times with Petyr. Ugh and gross.

+ “I won’t even know what to call you. Sister? Or mother?” Bless your heart, Margaery Tyrell.

+ “He used to pat me on the back a lot,” Tywin complains of now-dead son-in-law Robert Baratheon. Totally makes sense that Tywin would be a “NO TOUCHING” relative.

+ In further “Why can’t Benioff and Weiss lay off the rape already?” questions, did we really need Karl threatening Meera by saying, “No dresses for you. You like it rough, don’t you?” SHE’S LIKE FOURTEEN. Can we PLEASE give the sexual violence a rest?

+ And finally, also regarding the Reeds: Was that Jojen seeing his own death by being burned alive? Because THAT HASN’T HAPPENED IN THE BOOKS YET AND NOW I AM VERY INTRIGUED.