Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of series finale “Thank You”

 I will give True Blood this distinction: At least series finale episode “Thank You” was not as bad as another series finale that aired recently. Yes, I’m talking about Dexter. And, I could also be talking about The Killing. And I won’t even get near the finale of How I Met Your Mother. All of those were REALLY BAD, you guys. And although True Blood’s series finale last night certainly didn’t light the world on fire, I was also mercilessly unsurprised.

“Thank You” wasn’t so much disappointing as it was shrug-worthy; this whole season has been about retconning this series into one that supposedly really cared about its characters, about their happiness, about a sense of closure. So we got happy little stories for each person, and apparently happiness by True Blood’s definition is marriage and, most likely, children. Single characters don’t really exist in True Blood’s world, and apparently Hep-V vampires aren't a problem, either! Neither are werewolves or werepanthers or any of the supernatural stuff that defined this show from the beginning. Ultimately “Thank You” was about Sookie Stackhouse transitioning into the next stage of her life, and if that sounds profoundly boring to you, welcome to the club.

So let’s go over the five most major things that happened in last night’s series finale, and let’s rejoice that we never have to suffer through another poorly written, badly plotted, frustratingly acted episode of True Blood again. You were fun while you lasted, True Blood, but you should have died years ago. So. Many. Years. Ago.

+ “You deserve everything, Sookie. You deserve the world.” Oh look, Sookie DID end up killing vampire lover Bill Compton, because apparently killing Bill sets her free. Yes, that patriarchal ridiculousness ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Bill tells her she deserves to get married and deserves to have children, but he loves her too much to let her go, so he basically twists her arm into killing him. Thankfully she doesn’t use her ball of faerie light to do this, because that would COMPROMISE HER INTEGRITY or something stupid, but she does stake him in his familial coffin while he clutches a photograph of himself and his daughter. I … yeah, I’m speechless.

Anyway, fast-forward four years later, when Sookie is, guess what, pregnant and with a faceless bearded brunette man who is nice enough to deep-fry a turkey for her for their big Thanksgiving dinner! No mention of whether she’s had any contact with Eric in the years since, and no mention of any grieving for Bill or for Alcide, HER OTHER DEAD LOVER. Why focus on those things? Sookie getting pregnant and getting loved is clearly the most important thing this show has to offer. And my feminist exhaustion knows no bounds.

+ “We are going to kill Mr. Gus and steal New Blood from him.” Yup, that is exactly what Eric does, after a season of spinning his wheels. Because couldn’t Eric and Pam have killed the Yakuza and Mr. Gus Jr. a VERY LONG TIME AGO? Yes. And couldn’t they have killed Sarah Newlin, as promised, a VERY LONG TIME AGO? Also yes. So why the fuck did this whole season have them jumping from place to place, supposedly on their own mini-adventure that ended with a thud? It was so tiring to watch, you guys.

Anyway, we end the series with the pair of them having stolen the concept for New Blood, grown extremely rich from synthesizing Sarah Newlin’s blood, returned Fangtasia to prominence, and returned Eric to his throne and Pam to her PVC corset bustiers. Most importantly, though, they keep Sarah Newlin chained up in the Fangtasia basement, dressed like a virginal whore on her wedding night, charging vampires $100,000 per minute to drink her blood. I guess that’s more embarrassing and terrible for Sarah Newlin than just killing her, but as a victory for Eric and Pam, it rings hollow, no? They were already rich, they were already prominent. So having them return to Fangtasia feels like an outdated status quo that doesn’t apply anymore. Shrug.

+ “You may kiss your vampire bride.” Oh hey, after approximately ONE DAY of being back together, Hoyt and Jessica are getting married! You know why? Because in his continuing parade of “I’m choosing to die, so everyone should listen to every half-cocked idea I have about men and women and how they should act,” Bill basically coerces Jessica and Hoyt into getting married before he dies so he can give her away. No matter that Bill is CHOOSING to die, so his argument that “I don’t know how much time I have left” is bullshit. No matter that Jessica tells him she has very specific ideas of what she dreamed her proposal and her wedding would be like, and he disregards them. No matter any of that! Because Bill is the worst.

Anyway, Hoyt and Jessica (granted, the only romance I’ve rooted most actively for on this show) get married, in a ceremony that is officiated by Sheriff Andy (who agrees to let Hoyt and Jessica live rent-free in Bill’s mansion, which he’ll inherit when Bill dies), attended by Arlene, Holly, and Sookie, and best-manned by Jason. Why didn’t Jessica have a maid of honor? Why didn’t Sookie just do it? I have so many questions, ugh. (Although I will admit that I very much liked Andy’s “Love is love, plain and simple,” and how it reinforced that once upon a time this show had actively smart things to say about our country’s treatment of the LGBT community.)

+ Sookie: “I’m a faerie.” Rev. Daniels: “No kidding!” Let’s all agree that this might be the best dialogue exchange that has ever occurred in all of True Blood’s seven seasons. I mean, what better way to encapsulate this shitshow than that?

+ “I like her, and I think you do, too.” Yes, Sookie, Jason likes Bridget, even though they have known each other about a day. He likes her so much that in four years, they’ll be married with three kids, still living in Bon Temps, even though she was supposed to be an acclaimed marine biologist back in Alaska! Who needs a career, am I right?

And in your final “What happened to them?” character updates, we also learn that Sam and Nicole are still together with what seems like two or three children; Arlene and her vampire boyfriend Kevin have graduated to kissing; Lafayette and James are still together; Holly and Andy are still together; Jessica and Hoyt are still together; Adilyn and stepbrother Wade are still together; Tara’s mom and Rev. Daniels are still together; and Willa is … still around, for whatever reason. Like I said earlier: relationships and babies are the only indicators of personal fulfillment in the True Blood world. And Bill’s death doesn’t seem to have affected anyone at all.

+ And our final edition of random thoughts and asides:

+ “To my mind, nostalgia and suicide don’t mix.” Really, Sookie? Because that basically makes sense, since nostalgia is about yearning to go back to an impossible time … so killing yourself would be the only recourse … is that not clear?

+ Further proof that Bill eventually morphed into an abusive boyfriend: Sookie asks “Why don’t you just break up with me?” and Bill’s response is “I can’t … I love you too much.” Try harder, Bill. Try real harder.

+ Bill’s death outfit is a white long-sleeve henley? I know he basically lived in that thing during the last seven seasons, but maybe class this up a little bit.

+ Love all the Titanic-style dialogue they gave Sookie during Bill’s death scene; “I can’t let go” and “I’ll never forget you” don’t get any more Jack and Rose.

+ “Humans are slow.” Goodbye forever, Mr. Gus Jr. Although there aren’t more Yakuza members or Tru Blood corporate head honchos who want to continue coming after Eric and Pam for killing their men? That seems unfeasible.

+ I need a gif of Eric’s head bob dance moves while driving that Yakuza car full of dead henchmen bodies, IMMEDIATELY.

+ “Don’t you dare talk to me about Tara, do you understand me?” Nice to see Pam finally acknowledge the death of her progeny and lover, but too little, too late.

+ Some great lines from Pam in this final episode: Of Bill’s book, she says “I kinda skimmed the whole thing looking for the parts that were about me,” and of the possibility of a lesbian tryst with Sarah Newlin, she says, “I wouldn’t let you go down on me for a billion dollars, and as for me going down on you, there’s not enough money in the world.” Agreed.

+ “Did you get that bag of blood I left for you?” How are you such a phenomenally decent person, Hoyt?!

+ “You can persevere; anything you want, Sookie, you are entitled to it!” says Gram to a young, freckled Sookie. Yeah, whatever.

+ Let us marvel at Sookie’s excellent Southern girl outfit: sweater, denim booty shorts, ankle boots. Well played.

+ I know Jason and Bridget were clearly destined to be together in all their shared pretty white blondeness, but who the fuck is she to reach for his phone that soon into their friendship? You don’t answer someone’s phone until you know them for more than, I don’t know, two days? STEP OFF, GIRL.

+ “Hoyt and I already hugged it out, so you carry on, Father.” Stay gold, Jason Stackhouse.

+ Did anyone else feel like Eric and Pam’s New Blood was basically FUBU for vampires? I mean, “From vampires, for vampires” is a very specific marketing campaign.

+ “Personally, I’m thankful that you’re losing your fucking mind!” I will miss you forever, Steve Newlin.

+ So when Jason says “It’s been a long fucking week, and it’s been a weird fucking week,” does that mean this ENTIRE 10-EPISODE SEASON has only taken place over the course of SEVEN DAYS? My head hurts, you guys. You win, True Blood.

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Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “Love is to Die”

Ah, here we are. The final home stretch. The last two hours of True Blood ever begin with the penultimate episode “Love is to Die,” in which … well, just a few things happened. Really only two things. But one of those things, the reunion of Jessica and Hoyt, was kind of great! It’s something I’ve been waiting for since they sent Hoyt off to Alaska! And now we have it. AND I AM FINE WITH IT.

Oh, and the other thing that happened? Sookie Stackhouse is in danger again. YAWN. No surprises there, I guess. Because why give Sookie any peace? WHY DO THAT.

So let’s talk about the five craziest things that happened in “Love is to Die.” Let’s treasure this time together with the terribleness of True Blood, since we have so little left (thank God).

+ “It was a void, a black void. Sookie had given birth to death. That’s what we are, Eric. That’s all we can give her.” In the “Eric and Bill continue to decide Sookie’s life for her” parade, Bill decides he doesn’t want to take the cure available in Sarah Newlin’s – excuse me, Noomi’s – blood, and then he doesn’t explain himself to Sookie and Jessica, and this is supposed to have emotional urgency, but it doesn’t. Because CLEARLY Bill is just being a selfish asshole hiding behind the guise of “fate,” which Sookie and Jessica both call bullshit on: “Fuck you, Bill.”

Bill doesexplain himself to Eric, though, because MEN and PATRIARCHY. The explanation is largely crap, but the general gist is that Bill is basically saving Sookie from herself by freeing her of his influence, because she just CAN’T STOP loving him. And that’s unfair! So it’s really romantic of Bill to off himself and save her. You know, like how in Twilight Edward decided to just give himself up to those Roman vampires because it would be better for Bella – who cares what Bella actually thought! Literally, Eric says to Bill of Sookie, “This is not what she wants,” but Bill’s reply is, “It’s what she needs.” Let’s decide everything for Sookie! Who needs female agency, am I right?

Anyway, Eric tells Sookie all this, she’s sad, but Bill still wants to call on her one last time. So he knocks on her door ... and I’m so happy this shit will be over in one week.

+ “Where does Miss Stackhouse live?” Other people interested in calling on Sookie: Mr. Gus Jr., who is furious that someone else now knows about Sarah Newlin and the Tru Blood plan to synthesize her blood. I don’t understand why Mr. Gus Jr. thinks that Sookie would care, though? No one gives any fucks about saving Noomi’s life, so … yet again … this storyline seems stupid.

But I guess it’s leading up to a major fight between Bill and Eric vs. the Yakuza to save Sookie (yawn), which just seems horrendously anticlimactic at this point. You know why? Because ERIC IS 1,000 YEARS OLD. HE COULD MASSACRE ALL THE YAKUZA IN HIS SLEEP (as we saw only a few weeks ago, during that fight at the Republican fundraiser). Why is he even allowing them to fuck around with him, or take Pam hostage? You should have known better, Eric.

+ “Hoyt and Jessica belong together.” You know, Jason, I agree! Hoyt was my favorite character on this show before they sent him off to Alaska, and as melodramatic and faux-romantic as it is, I really love him and Jessica getting back together. Now, tracing Jessica’s sexual decisions this season ALONE are absurd: first she’s with James, then she’s fucking Jason, and now she realizes that Hoyt is the only man she can be with? I mean, that, coupled with grieving for Bill, has made Jessica defined entirely by her relationships with men this season. But for all those flaws, Deborah Ann Woll and Jim Parrack have SUCH chemistry together, and Hoyt is PRETTY HOT, YOU GUYS, and together they just work. I was feeling it, even if the line “I want you to tell me the story of us” was pretty much straight from a Nicholas Sparks novel. I mean, really.

But why, in getting Hoyt and Jessica back together, did that necessitate Bridget and Jason also getting together? Because Jason’s behavior when he first saw Bridget on Hoyt’s arm: gross. And Bridget’s behavior when she spent the night at Jason’s: unbelievable! She doesn’t know this man! She doesn’t know anything about Hoyt’s and Jason’s friendship! How can she judge Jason as a good guy after barely a few hours of knowing him? “There’s nothing inside of you that’s missing; everything that a man is supposed to be, it’s already in there. I promise” – MAYBE DON’T PROMISE, BRIDGET, SINCE YOU JUST MET THIS GUY AND YOU JUST SAW HIM HOLDING AN ICE PACK TO HIS JUNK.

I am fine with Jason having some self-awareness, and becoming more knowledgeable about himself and his behavior. So in that way, fine, pour your heart out to Bridget or whatever. But again, the clear suggestion that Jason and Bridget are now going to be together – I could have lived without that.

+ “I would like to make it up to you by fucking you.” Does anything else even need to be said about the Eric and Ginger sex scene, except for that I have never laughed harder at anything True Blood has ever done? Also, the choice of Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” as the background music - so perfect.

+ “Dearest Sookie, if you’re reading this letter, then you’ve probably already figured out that I’m gone.” Sam leaves town to go to Chicago with Nicole and his unborn child. Bye forever, you utterly useless character. GOODBYE. FOR. EVER.

+ And some final thoughts:

+ Andy didn’t get much screentime this episode, but I loved his reaction to Sam’s letter: “Dear Sheriff Bellefleur, I resign. Sincerely, Sam Merlotte.”

+ I totally understood why Jessica would ask to be released by Bill, and although everything else he did in this episode sucked, I enjoyed his speech in response to her: “I am so proud of the vampire you’ve become, and I know you will stand out there on your own two feet just beautifully when I am gone. I renounce the ties of our blood and my dominion over you as my progeny. As your maker, Jessica, I release you.”

+ “Get over yourself, Bill.” Eric Northman has never said truer words.

+ “I care about a small handful of people in this world. A few vampires, and you.” So we can’t get even ONE final sex scene between Eric and Sookie? Not fair, True Blood writers.

+ So when Jessica tells Sookie, “It’s safe, you can come out,” when they’re going to Sam’s, is that because Hep-V vampires are still roaming around? Are they actually still a threat? WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS STORYLINE?

+ A small gripe: So both Wade and Sookie don’t like dirty rice? DIRTY RICE IS DELICIOUS. Clearly they are both insane.

+ Sadly, there’s very little Pam in this episode, but I did like her snide, “Yeah, ‘whorehouse’ they understand, of course,” while trapped with the Yakuza. Also wouldn’t you think the Yakuza would have enough money to provide escorts to wherever their men were, instead of forcing them to hit up whorehouses? I don’t know, just a thought. 

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Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “May Be The Last Time”

I’m exhausted this morning, and I blame “May Be The Last Time.” Geez, could an episode of True Blood be more anticlimactic? I complained last week about “Karma” treading water, but “May Be The Last Time” didn’t even feel like treading. It felt like I was drowning in the boringness of Bill’s flashbacks and in the stupidity of Adilyn and Wade and in the self-absorbedness of Sookie Stackhouse and the sex-addiction of Jason Stackhouse (because there has to be a medical reason for Jason being such an asshole, right?).

What even happened in the episode?! I honestly cannot even tell you. I mean, I will spend the rest of this column telling you. But I don’t WANT to.

Let’s just get started. I have nothing else to say. Well, nothing positive, anyway.

+ “Her name is not Sarah. It’s Newme, and she is a good person!” Peace out, Amber Newlin! Because now you’re dead, even though sister Sarah cured you, because Eric Northman does not take any shit. Although how much closer are he, Pam, and Mr. Gus Jr. from finding Sarah? Seemingly minutes away, but knowing this show, they probably won’t actually cross paths for a couple more episodes. BECAUSE TIME DOES NOT WORK CORRECTLY IN BON TEMPS, AND PEOPLE MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.

Ahem. Anyway. So Eric and Pam have officially teamed up with Mr. Gus Jr., who wants them to help him synthesize Sarah’s antidote-heavy blood, create a new product called New Blood, and then take it, cure themselves, and become spokespeople for the brand. “You want Eric to be your fucking spokesperson for your vampire Jenny Craig commercials?” Pam drawls, but hey, who would turn down 49 percent of a multibillion-dollar company? I mean, I get it.

At the same time as Eric and Pam are making their deal with Mr. Gus Jr. and his Yakuza goons, Sarah is hiding out at the Light of Day Institute, where she and husband Steve Newlin used to run the cult the Fellowship of the Sun. But shit is getting weird for Sarah, as she starts seeing hallucinations of previous lovers: There’s Jason Stackhouse, shirtless and glorious, threatening her with, “You’re gonna die tonight” and “There’s death coming for you,” and there’s also preppy, closeted Steve, who argues

with her about whether she should die a Buddhist or a Christian. “Fuck the path, Sarah, die a Christian!” might be the best thing Steve Newlin has ever done, honestly.

But is Sarah actually going to die? Or is this storyline going to be dragged out for the entire three episodes remaining? I don’t have the patience for this, dammit!

+ “Have fun fucking!” WHAT IS GOING ON WITH VIOLET, YOU GUYS. I don’t even understand; I really don’t, and this is coming from a longtime viewer of True Blood who is VERY USED to not understanding anything that is going on for this terrible excuse for a premium cable show.

Nothing about this Violet storyline adds up, does it? So Violet was virginal as a human, according to what she told Jason, and they lived in that dingy basement together. But she actually had a crazy sex dungeon WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE of where Adilyn and Wade were making out in that treehouse, and it’s full of weird sexual accessories from centuries past, and it has a bizarre painting of Violet as what, an old-timey courtesan? So what version of Violet is real? And if she wanted to kill Adilyn to hurt Jessica, JUST DO IT ALREADY. Why would you encourage Adilyn and Wade to have weird kinky sex, and then handcuff her to the bed afterward?

Zero. Fucking. Sense. (Although, “Your imagination is a muscle; use it or lose it,” kind of made me laugh. Evil Violet has some good lines, even though she is, you know, evil.)

As all this is going on, Andy and Holly are stupidly driving out to Oklahoma City, where they think Wade and Adilyn may have gone … even though they left their car at the treehouse back in Bon Temps. And then when Holly says, “This story’s gonna have a happy ending for us; I know it. I promise,” that was essentially a death sentence for their children, right? Foreshadowing doesn’t get more obvious than that.

+ “There are some things that can be fixed with magic, but your vampire friend is not one of them. I’m sorry.” You know, Niall, I don’t REALLY think you’re sorry, and neither does Sookie! But that doesn’t stop the guilt-ridden Sookie from jumping into Bill’s arms and then his bed, which I guess is OK because she was Hep-V positive anyway? Newsflash: Hep-V continues to make no sense.

Other stuff happened in this storyline—the very random dwarf Dr. Ludwig showed up to be terrified of Sookie’s faerie lineage and confirm that her faerie blood probably has something to do with the accelerated speed of Bill’s sickness; we got some useless Bill flashbacks—but none of that other stuff matters, right? What matters is that Sookie and Bill are back together, if you care about that kind of thing, and they’re having sex for what “may be the last time,” but they’re IN LOVE or something. So on the nose, True Blood writers. So on the nose.

Also, can we roll our eyes together at Sookie’s “I like to think of myself as strong, but I’m not this strong”? When has Sookie EVER BEEN STRONG? I mean, shooting Debbie was badass, but otherwise? Cue hysterical shouts of mocking laughter, etc.

+ “A human with a vampire is just wrong, you know?” Oh, Arlene. Her romantic subplot with the vampire Keith can be explained with just a few images, I think:

Dreams of having sex with Keith:

Doesn’t end up having sex with Keith. Ends up dancing with Keith. Cue Arlene’s happy ending: A creepy friendship with a vampire who is over 500 years old and kind of looks like Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey. Does anyone else see it? Anyone?

+ “I didn’t get a first name. Just Stackhouse.” THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF HOYT. Hoyt looks good, you guys. Pretty damn good! And of course his return is only being used to expose how much of a sex-addicted asshole former best friend Jason Stackhouse is.

Because for some reason, Jason is eyeing up Hoyt’s “super-smart” microbiologist girlfriend, even though the entire reason his friendship with Hoyt was ruined was because he started having sex with Jessica, who was supposedly Hoyt’s one-and-only. And it’s been barely, what, a DAY since Jason had sex with Jessica again, but he hasn’t paid any attention to her since? Hasn’t tried to figure out where Violet went after dumping him? Has just been vacuuming in his underwear? 

I mean, don’t get me wrong. Any Jason Stackhouse shirtless time is appreciated. But this storyline is such a waste of the dramatic tension that is Hoyt, Jessica, and Jason, and I don’t even get why it’s happening at all. (Except as a way to bring us shirtless Jason, I guess, which … I can’t complain.)

+ And some other random thoughts:

+ The depiction of the Japanese has been pretty superficial overall, but I love Mr. Gus Jr. as a coldhearted capitalist: “Would you say that money is a primary motivator for you?” and “We gonna make some money?” worked for me. (I also laughed at his “Now, I ain’t a homo, but you have to admit he is a handsome devil” when discussing Eric.)

+ “I can’t wrap my head around leaving this place.” GO THE FUCK AWAY, SAM.

+ “What is nothingness? I don’t know what nothingness is!” Sarah Newlin, ladies and gentlemen.

+ “When I was your age, I used to fuck my brother too. A lot.” CRAZY VIOLET ALERT, CRAZY VIOLET ALERT.

+ Here, your weekly edition of “Bill’s terrible flashback wigs.”

+ The entire Dr. Ludwig character was idiotic, but I did like her deadpan, “Ooh, how very spooky—a cemetery.”

+ The return of Rutger Hauer as Niall was largely pointless, except for watching him eat spaghetti. That was TV gold.

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Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “Karma”

Oh, True Blood. How much more water can you tread? With only four episodes left, it doesn’t really seem like we’re going anywhere, does it? I mean, this is an episode that took 24 minutes to get to Sookie, but only after checking in with every other boring character. And when characters are doing more boring things than Sookie, your show is in trouble.

But look, at least Eric and Pam exist. At least they’re teaming up with the Yakuza. And at least they didn’t die, I guess? I don’t know, guys. I’m grasping at straws here. And let’s grasp at them together, with the five craziest things that happened in the episode “Karma.”

+ “Eric, stand the fuck down, and you, shut the fuck up about your stupid corporation! Sarah Newlin’s going to be having the last fucking laugh, shopping at Barney’s and having a manicure, if you two don’t stop measuring your dicks and make a fucking deal!” Why doesn’t Pam run the world, you guys? Pam would be an excellent dictator. 

Captured by the Yakuza and about to die with Eric beside her (“our first sunrise together,” Eric says sadly), Pam forces Eric to team up with Mr. Gus Jr. (played by the very handsome Will Yun Lee, most recently in “The Wolverine”), an executive at the Yakanoma Corporation who notes that because of Sarah Newlin, he’s the “North American President of, well, shit, Shit Blood.” So both Mr. Gus Jr. and Eric have reasons to want Sarah Newlin dead, of course, so they decide that Eric will kill her (“I’m going to wrap my hands around her neck and snap her little blond bobblehead right off!”) but Mr. Gus Jr. will get the body. Win-win for everyone! (Although, let us not address how incompetent the Yakuza were for attacking Eric, WHILE HE HAD SARAH NEWLIN IN HIS CLUTCHES, and then letting her escape. What the fuck was the point of that?)

Anyway, they think they can rely on Sarah’s vampire sister Amber to rat her out, but little do they know that Sarah Newlin ingested all of the antidote for Hep-V, and that, coupled with her found religion, has her convinced “We are all of us Buddhas! … I’m literally a different person now … I really am a new me!” 

Amber calls bullshit on that (“You can’t just dye your hair and blow a guru and absolve yourself of all the horrific shit you’ve done in your life!”), but when Sarah dangles a cure in front of her face, Amber can’t resist. So when Eric, Pam, Mr. Gus Jr., and the Yakuza enforcers show up at Amber’s doorstep, they’re shocked to find her veinless—“How come you’re healed?” indeed.

+ “Bill Compton is one tough motherfucker ... He was a bonafide vampire god six months ago!” Thanks to Jason Stackhouse for dropping some self-awareness into this episode of True Blood, because Bill Compton WAS a vampire god six months ago, and to see him now being ravaged by Hep-V makes no sense … mainly because Hep-V itself MAKES NO SENSE. Vampire AIDS has no rhyme or reason to it! This show has been terrible at maintaining the consistency of this disease! BLERGH.

Regardless, the unsubtle comparisons between Hep-V and HIV/AIDS continued to work for me in this episode (loved the guy who saw Bill’s blackening veins move to another seat in the waiting room), especially the ruthless, terrible lawyer who is trying to con vampires out of bribe money before they die. Yes, she was a laughable caricature, but I loved Bill stabbing her in the throat with her own letter opener, and then killing her vampire assistant. Angry Bill might be my favorite Bill!

Although again, this felt like a waste of time. Bill was all about being a leader for the vampires barely some months ago; shouldn’t he be out there trying to fix this whole mess? Why has he so fully resigned himself to just moping around his mansion, doing nothing? And why does Bill even consider playing in the system anymore? Just find a way to pass everything onto Jessica and tell the law to go fuck itself. And finally, I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW SOOKIE PASSED HEP-V TO BILL. HOW. HOW. HOW. (Perhaps this was answered in the two episodes I skipped earlier this season, but I have no regrets; I’m not devoting additional hours of my life to catching up on this terrible show. No thank you.)

+ “Dear Jason: Relationship not working for me. Over it. Violet.”Let’s talk about the worst development of this season so far, which is Violet. Everything about Violet. EVERYTHING ABOUT VIOLET. She is a character that has made no sense for two seasons now, and the writers continue going down the path of “Ugh, goddammit” by making her spurned ex-girlfriend a legitimate villain as we go into the final stretch. I mean, really? Jason has fucked over a lot of women in his time, and been fucked over (never forget his cougar rape, even though the show has) in return, but this whole Violet thing is nonsensical. Why was she so into stupid, simplistic Jason? If she was such an abusive, controlling lover, why did no one in Jason’s life say anything months ago, when she was forcing him to go down on her endlessly? Is this really a commentary on the friendless, lonely plight of Jason Stackhouse, so beautiful but so alone? WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Anyway, so yeah, Violet forces some oral sex on Jason—guilt trip, I guess?—but is then furious when he runs to Jessica in the middle of the night, barely hours after coming home to her. (Granted, Jason is an asshole.) She then flips out, destroys their basement bedroom, leaves the note for Jason (which he, because he is an asshole, thinks is totally fine and absolves him of having to break up with her), and then tracks down Adilyn and Wade, who have run away from home to be together before they turn into stepsiblings. The best revenge against Jessica, of course, is to hurt Adilyn, who Bill’s progeny had sworn to protect. But because everyone in Bon Temps has the attention span of a gnat, Jessica left Adilyn to her own devices after seeing James having sex with Lafayette and then in turn having sex with Jason and then returning home to learn of Bill’s Hep-V-positive status. STOP BEING SO SELFISH, JESSICA, THAT HALF-FAIRY TEENAGER NEEDED YOU.

+ “How many times you seen God? … There’s more evidence of this Tara shit being real than God is.” In the “Another supporting character we don’t care about bites the dust” category falls Lettie Mae’s husband, who at that outburst from Lala leaves his wife to her obsessive mania that Tara is speaking to her through vampire blood. But now Lala has jumped on the bandwagon, too, thanks to a shared trip where he and Lettie Mae both saw Tara, removed her from the cross, and followed her to their old house, where she started compulsively digging in the front yard. “What the fuck” is the proper response to this, I think.

But now they think Tara is waiting for them at the South Ward, where the old house is, and without a husband to hold her back, it looks like Lettie Mae and Lala are going on one last ride together. And maybe James will come along, too, since he fled to Lala’s place after the breakup with Jessica? As Lala pointed out, “I know you got a good heart, boyfriend” … and let’s hope he keeps it, because a broken-hearted Lala, once again denied of romantic love, is not something I want to see.

+ “I don’t think screwing their siblings is what they meant by bad times!” I’m just going to leave that quote here. Bless your heart, Andy Bellefleur. At least you understand the Lannister-like implications of Adilyn and Ward getting together. (And really, if Violet’s death comes by Andy Hulking out and ripping off her head or something, I’m fine with that.)

And finally, some random thoughts:

+ Lala had some great faces in this episode. Here, let's look at them!

+ “Who am I to stand in the way of true love?” Wait, so are we to believe that Violet really believes she was in love with Jason, or is she just angry that someone else stole her chew toy? SO CONFUSED.

+ “I’m scared all the time.” And again, if Jason was frightened by Violet for however long they were together—a little more than six months, I guess?—then why was he so pumped to finally have sex with her against that cop car a few episodes ago? SO CONFUSED.

+ So do the Yakuza just happen to have cars straight of the "Tokyo Drift" installment of the Fast and Furious franchise? How does that work, exactly? 

+ “I loved Alcide. I suppose I loved Eric too, in my own way. There’s something about the first …” Hold up. Sookie thinks she loved Eric “in my own way”? No no. You loved him in the way we all love him—UNDENIABLY AND A WEIRD AMOUNT. And if Sookie loved Alcide, we certainly never saw the development of that. The shortchanging of that relationship by this show remains ridiculous.

+ “This town is fucking crazy. You, you’re the mayor of crazy!” Oh, just ride off with Nicole, Sam. Just do it. You stopped being relevant years ago.

+ “Have you looked outside? Everybody’s dying.” That lawyer may have been a bitch, but at least she was truthful. 

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