HBO to finally re-release 'The Wire' in HD format after Christmas

I don't know your life, but if you haven't watched The Wire, you should probably re-evaluate your choices. It's the greatest television show of all time, and if you somehow think The Sopranos or Breaking Bad or Mad Men is better, then you need to sit down and give The Wire, America's greatest televised novel, another run-through. And now that HBO is finally re-releasing the show in HD, you can.

Starting at 12 p.m. on Friday, December 26, HBO will make new-and-improved versions of the show's 60 episodes available for streaming on HBO GO and marathon viewing on HBO Signature. (You can check out the schedule for HBO Signature here; it looks like they're going to air the episodes in season-long blocks starting on Friday.) No news yet on whether the HD versions of the episodes will be available on Amazon, where the show is already streaming as part of HBO's deal with the shopping website, but let's hope that happens soon so even more people can enjoy the greatness and perfection and heartbreaking wonder of this show. (And theoretically, this also means that the full series will also eventually be available on Blu-ray ... which means I know exactly what I want next Christmas.)

To prepare yourself, watch this short teaser HBO released as an announcement. It is excellent, and every line should give a Wire fan chills - especially "We used to make shit in this country, build shit. Now we just put our hand in the next guy's pocket." Holy shit, this show was good. I know where I'll be Dec. 26, and where you should be, too.

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David Fincher to Direct First Season of HBO's 'Utopia'

David Fincher may have the biggest hit of his career when Gone Girl opens, but that doesn't mean he'll follow it up with another big screen effort. Unfortunately, those who were hoping he'd take on a sequel to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo will be disappointed because Fincher is will focus his energies on the HBO series, Utopia, directing the entire first season.

The series will reteam Fincher with Gone Girl author Gillian Flynn, the pair obviously having gotten along during the film's production. Utopia is a remake of Dennis Kelly's UK TV series which revolved around fans of a graphic novel that seemed to predict future events. When a group of people uncover the author's sequel, they are suddenly pursued by a mysterious organization known as The Network while trying to prevent the calamities the manuscript predicts.

Fincher has dabbled in television before, the first two House of Cards episodes and exec-producing the Netflix series, but this is obviously a much larger commitment. It mirrors the ambitious effort of Cary Fukunaga on HBO's True Detective, and having one singular voice was a prime reasons why it achieved such acclaim. Clearly, HBO and Fincher are hoping to reach similar heights.

This will keep Fincher busy for much of next year, but when he's finished there will be options out there. Aaron Sorkin's Steve Jobs biopic is still out there, with Fincher saying it “was definitely a possibility, but it got very sideways very fast”. For now he's all about Utopia and is definitely excited about the opportunity.

Fincher: “I like the world of it. I like the characters – I love Dennis’ [Kelly, creator of the UK show] honesty and affinity for the nerds. I mean, I’ve always been a bit of a junior conspiracy theorist cos I don’t have time to connect them all! But it’s nice to see that somebody has.” [Guardian]

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Jim Sheridan's 'In America' to become an HBO Series

Jim Sheridan's semi-autobiographical drama In America was the most personal project of his career, and is also the most beloved. He directed and co-wrote the the film with his two daughters, Naomi and Kirsten, back in 2002 and earned them an Oscar nomination for the original screenplay and a Best Supporting noms for Djimon Hounsou and Samantha Morton. Its episodic nature always made it seem like a natural to become a television series, and now HBO is going to make that happen.

Deadline reports that the Sheridans are developing In America as a TV show for the cable network. Jim, Naomi, and Kirsten will exec-produce the project, which is inspired by their early years in New York and follows a poor Irish immigrant family who settle in a rundown Hell's Kitchen apartment building. There they try to escape a past that continues to haunt them while pursuing their individual dreams.

This is one case where it makes sense for a movie to become a series, and hopefully this gives Sheridan something worthwhile to do again. His last film was the Daniel Craig/Rachel Weisz thriller, Dream House, which is probably best left forgotten. If you've never seen In America that needs to be rectified like right now. I dare you not to fall in love with it.

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Martin Scorsese Adds Bobby Cannavale to 'The Irishman' and His HBO Rock Music Pilot

Bobby Cannavale has long been a sought after supporting star, largely due to his incredible range and ability to meld into any ensemble neatly. Whether he's asked to be funny like in Jon Favreau's Chef or dramatic as in Boardwalk Empire, Cannavale always brings a lot to the table, which is why he's caught the eye of Martin Scorsese.

Al Pacino has been making the rounds at TIFF (everyone is there, apparently) and was asked about Scorsese's long-brewing mob flick, The Irishman, which he'll star in with Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro. The film has been on the backburner and will stay there until Scorsese's done with Silence, but Pacino says it's still going to happen with Cannavale now part of the cast. Penned by Steve Zaillian and adapted from Charles Brandt's book, I Heard You Paint Houses, the film is about infamous mob hitman Frank "The Irishman" Sheeran. Scorsese doesn't begin working on Silence until next year so we won't see The Irishman until 2016 at the earliest.

Cannavale recently had a recurring role on HBO's Boardwalk Empire, which Scorsese is an exec-producer on, and it looks like the two will be working together once again. He's set to star as a music exec in Scorsese's rock music series pilot for the pay network, which boasts the talents of Mick Jagger and The Wolf of Wall Street screenwriter Terence Winter. Cannavale will play Richie Finestra, a charismatic, cocaine-fueled New York record exec in 1977 when punk, hip-hop, and disco music were colliding. Scorsese will direct the pilot from a Winter script.

The next couple of appearances by Cannavale will see him in comedic form. He has a role in the Annie remake alongside Quvenzhane Wallis and Jamie Foxx, and he'll star with Melissa McCarthy in Spy.  [THR/TheDailyBeast]

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Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of series finale “Thank You”

 I will give True Blood this distinction: At least series finale episode “Thank You” was not as bad as another series finale that aired recently. Yes, I’m talking about Dexter. And, I could also be talking about The Killing. And I won’t even get near the finale of How I Met Your Mother. All of those were REALLY BAD, you guys. And although True Blood’s series finale last night certainly didn’t light the world on fire, I was also mercilessly unsurprised.

“Thank You” wasn’t so much disappointing as it was shrug-worthy; this whole season has been about retconning this series into one that supposedly really cared about its characters, about their happiness, about a sense of closure. So we got happy little stories for each person, and apparently happiness by True Blood’s definition is marriage and, most likely, children. Single characters don’t really exist in True Blood’s world, and apparently Hep-V vampires aren't a problem, either! Neither are werewolves or werepanthers or any of the supernatural stuff that defined this show from the beginning. Ultimately “Thank You” was about Sookie Stackhouse transitioning into the next stage of her life, and if that sounds profoundly boring to you, welcome to the club.

So let’s go over the five most major things that happened in last night’s series finale, and let’s rejoice that we never have to suffer through another poorly written, badly plotted, frustratingly acted episode of True Blood again. You were fun while you lasted, True Blood, but you should have died years ago. So. Many. Years. Ago.

+ “You deserve everything, Sookie. You deserve the world.” Oh look, Sookie DID end up killing vampire lover Bill Compton, because apparently killing Bill sets her free. Yes, that patriarchal ridiculousness ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Bill tells her she deserves to get married and deserves to have children, but he loves her too much to let her go, so he basically twists her arm into killing him. Thankfully she doesn’t use her ball of faerie light to do this, because that would COMPROMISE HER INTEGRITY or something stupid, but she does stake him in his familial coffin while he clutches a photograph of himself and his daughter. I … yeah, I’m speechless.

Anyway, fast-forward four years later, when Sookie is, guess what, pregnant and with a faceless bearded brunette man who is nice enough to deep-fry a turkey for her for their big Thanksgiving dinner! No mention of whether she’s had any contact with Eric in the years since, and no mention of any grieving for Bill or for Alcide, HER OTHER DEAD LOVER. Why focus on those things? Sookie getting pregnant and getting loved is clearly the most important thing this show has to offer. And my feminist exhaustion knows no bounds.

+ “We are going to kill Mr. Gus and steal New Blood from him.” Yup, that is exactly what Eric does, after a season of spinning his wheels. Because couldn’t Eric and Pam have killed the Yakuza and Mr. Gus Jr. a VERY LONG TIME AGO? Yes. And couldn’t they have killed Sarah Newlin, as promised, a VERY LONG TIME AGO? Also yes. So why the fuck did this whole season have them jumping from place to place, supposedly on their own mini-adventure that ended with a thud? It was so tiring to watch, you guys.

Anyway, we end the series with the pair of them having stolen the concept for New Blood, grown extremely rich from synthesizing Sarah Newlin’s blood, returned Fangtasia to prominence, and returned Eric to his throne and Pam to her PVC corset bustiers. Most importantly, though, they keep Sarah Newlin chained up in the Fangtasia basement, dressed like a virginal whore on her wedding night, charging vampires $100,000 per minute to drink her blood. I guess that’s more embarrassing and terrible for Sarah Newlin than just killing her, but as a victory for Eric and Pam, it rings hollow, no? They were already rich, they were already prominent. So having them return to Fangtasia feels like an outdated status quo that doesn’t apply anymore. Shrug.

+ “You may kiss your vampire bride.” Oh hey, after approximately ONE DAY of being back together, Hoyt and Jessica are getting married! You know why? Because in his continuing parade of “I’m choosing to die, so everyone should listen to every half-cocked idea I have about men and women and how they should act,” Bill basically coerces Jessica and Hoyt into getting married before he dies so he can give her away. No matter that Bill is CHOOSING to die, so his argument that “I don’t know how much time I have left” is bullshit. No matter that Jessica tells him she has very specific ideas of what she dreamed her proposal and her wedding would be like, and he disregards them. No matter any of that! Because Bill is the worst.

Anyway, Hoyt and Jessica (granted, the only romance I’ve rooted most actively for on this show) get married, in a ceremony that is officiated by Sheriff Andy (who agrees to let Hoyt and Jessica live rent-free in Bill’s mansion, which he’ll inherit when Bill dies), attended by Arlene, Holly, and Sookie, and best-manned by Jason. Why didn’t Jessica have a maid of honor? Why didn’t Sookie just do it? I have so many questions, ugh. (Although I will admit that I very much liked Andy’s “Love is love, plain and simple,” and how it reinforced that once upon a time this show had actively smart things to say about our country’s treatment of the LGBT community.)

+ Sookie: “I’m a faerie.” Rev. Daniels: “No kidding!” Let’s all agree that this might be the best dialogue exchange that has ever occurred in all of True Blood’s seven seasons. I mean, what better way to encapsulate this shitshow than that?

+ “I like her, and I think you do, too.” Yes, Sookie, Jason likes Bridget, even though they have known each other about a day. He likes her so much that in four years, they’ll be married with three kids, still living in Bon Temps, even though she was supposed to be an acclaimed marine biologist back in Alaska! Who needs a career, am I right?

And in your final “What happened to them?” character updates, we also learn that Sam and Nicole are still together with what seems like two or three children; Arlene and her vampire boyfriend Kevin have graduated to kissing; Lafayette and James are still together; Holly and Andy are still together; Jessica and Hoyt are still together; Adilyn and stepbrother Wade are still together; Tara’s mom and Rev. Daniels are still together; and Willa is … still around, for whatever reason. Like I said earlier: relationships and babies are the only indicators of personal fulfillment in the True Blood world. And Bill’s death doesn’t seem to have affected anyone at all.

+ And our final edition of random thoughts and asides:

+ “To my mind, nostalgia and suicide don’t mix.” Really, Sookie? Because that basically makes sense, since nostalgia is about yearning to go back to an impossible time … so killing yourself would be the only recourse … is that not clear?

+ Further proof that Bill eventually morphed into an abusive boyfriend: Sookie asks “Why don’t you just break up with me?” and Bill’s response is “I can’t … I love you too much.” Try harder, Bill. Try real harder.

+ Bill’s death outfit is a white long-sleeve henley? I know he basically lived in that thing during the last seven seasons, but maybe class this up a little bit.

+ Love all the Titanic-style dialogue they gave Sookie during Bill’s death scene; “I can’t let go” and “I’ll never forget you” don’t get any more Jack and Rose.

+ “Humans are slow.” Goodbye forever, Mr. Gus Jr. Although there aren’t more Yakuza members or Tru Blood corporate head honchos who want to continue coming after Eric and Pam for killing their men? That seems unfeasible.

+ I need a gif of Eric’s head bob dance moves while driving that Yakuza car full of dead henchmen bodies, IMMEDIATELY.

+ “Don’t you dare talk to me about Tara, do you understand me?” Nice to see Pam finally acknowledge the death of her progeny and lover, but too little, too late.

+ Some great lines from Pam in this final episode: Of Bill’s book, she says “I kinda skimmed the whole thing looking for the parts that were about me,” and of the possibility of a lesbian tryst with Sarah Newlin, she says, “I wouldn’t let you go down on me for a billion dollars, and as for me going down on you, there’s not enough money in the world.” Agreed.

+ “Did you get that bag of blood I left for you?” How are you such a phenomenally decent person, Hoyt?!

+ “You can persevere; anything you want, Sookie, you are entitled to it!” says Gram to a young, freckled Sookie. Yeah, whatever.

+ Let us marvel at Sookie’s excellent Southern girl outfit: sweater, denim booty shorts, ankle boots. Well played.

+ I know Jason and Bridget were clearly destined to be together in all their shared pretty white blondeness, but who the fuck is she to reach for his phone that soon into their friendship? You don’t answer someone’s phone until you know them for more than, I don’t know, two days? STEP OFF, GIRL.

+ “Hoyt and I already hugged it out, so you carry on, Father.” Stay gold, Jason Stackhouse.

+ Did anyone else feel like Eric and Pam’s New Blood was basically FUBU for vampires? I mean, “From vampires, for vampires” is a very specific marketing campaign.

+ “Personally, I’m thankful that you’re losing your fucking mind!” I will miss you forever, Steve Newlin.

+ So when Jason says “It’s been a long fucking week, and it’s been a weird fucking week,” does that mean this ENTIRE 10-EPISODE SEASON has only taken place over the course of SEVEN DAYS? My head hurts, you guys. You win, True Blood.

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Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “Love is to Die”

Ah, here we are. The final home stretch. The last two hours of True Blood ever begin with the penultimate episode “Love is to Die,” in which … well, just a few things happened. Really only two things. But one of those things, the reunion of Jessica and Hoyt, was kind of great! It’s something I’ve been waiting for since they sent Hoyt off to Alaska! And now we have it. AND I AM FINE WITH IT.

Oh, and the other thing that happened? Sookie Stackhouse is in danger again. YAWN. No surprises there, I guess. Because why give Sookie any peace? WHY DO THAT.

So let’s talk about the five craziest things that happened in “Love is to Die.” Let’s treasure this time together with the terribleness of True Blood, since we have so little left (thank God).

+ “It was a void, a black void. Sookie had given birth to death. That’s what we are, Eric. That’s all we can give her.” In the “Eric and Bill continue to decide Sookie’s life for her” parade, Bill decides he doesn’t want to take the cure available in Sarah Newlin’s – excuse me, Noomi’s – blood, and then he doesn’t explain himself to Sookie and Jessica, and this is supposed to have emotional urgency, but it doesn’t. Because CLEARLY Bill is just being a selfish asshole hiding behind the guise of “fate,” which Sookie and Jessica both call bullshit on: “Fuck you, Bill.”

Bill doesexplain himself to Eric, though, because MEN and PATRIARCHY. The explanation is largely crap, but the general gist is that Bill is basically saving Sookie from herself by freeing her of his influence, because she just CAN’T STOP loving him. And that’s unfair! So it’s really romantic of Bill to off himself and save her. You know, like how in Twilight Edward decided to just give himself up to those Roman vampires because it would be better for Bella – who cares what Bella actually thought! Literally, Eric says to Bill of Sookie, “This is not what she wants,” but Bill’s reply is, “It’s what she needs.” Let’s decide everything for Sookie! Who needs female agency, am I right?

Anyway, Eric tells Sookie all this, she’s sad, but Bill still wants to call on her one last time. So he knocks on her door ... and I’m so happy this shit will be over in one week.

+ “Where does Miss Stackhouse live?” Other people interested in calling on Sookie: Mr. Gus Jr., who is furious that someone else now knows about Sarah Newlin and the Tru Blood plan to synthesize her blood. I don’t understand why Mr. Gus Jr. thinks that Sookie would care, though? No one gives any fucks about saving Noomi’s life, so … yet again … this storyline seems stupid.

But I guess it’s leading up to a major fight between Bill and Eric vs. the Yakuza to save Sookie (yawn), which just seems horrendously anticlimactic at this point. You know why? Because ERIC IS 1,000 YEARS OLD. HE COULD MASSACRE ALL THE YAKUZA IN HIS SLEEP (as we saw only a few weeks ago, during that fight at the Republican fundraiser). Why is he even allowing them to fuck around with him, or take Pam hostage? You should have known better, Eric.

+ “Hoyt and Jessica belong together.” You know, Jason, I agree! Hoyt was my favorite character on this show before they sent him off to Alaska, and as melodramatic and faux-romantic as it is, I really love him and Jessica getting back together. Now, tracing Jessica’s sexual decisions this season ALONE are absurd: first she’s with James, then she’s fucking Jason, and now she realizes that Hoyt is the only man she can be with? I mean, that, coupled with grieving for Bill, has made Jessica defined entirely by her relationships with men this season. But for all those flaws, Deborah Ann Woll and Jim Parrack have SUCH chemistry together, and Hoyt is PRETTY HOT, YOU GUYS, and together they just work. I was feeling it, even if the line “I want you to tell me the story of us” was pretty much straight from a Nicholas Sparks novel. I mean, really.

But why, in getting Hoyt and Jessica back together, did that necessitate Bridget and Jason also getting together? Because Jason’s behavior when he first saw Bridget on Hoyt’s arm: gross. And Bridget’s behavior when she spent the night at Jason’s: unbelievable! She doesn’t know this man! She doesn’t know anything about Hoyt’s and Jason’s friendship! How can she judge Jason as a good guy after barely a few hours of knowing him? “There’s nothing inside of you that’s missing; everything that a man is supposed to be, it’s already in there. I promise” – MAYBE DON’T PROMISE, BRIDGET, SINCE YOU JUST MET THIS GUY AND YOU JUST SAW HIM HOLDING AN ICE PACK TO HIS JUNK.

I am fine with Jason having some self-awareness, and becoming more knowledgeable about himself and his behavior. So in that way, fine, pour your heart out to Bridget or whatever. But again, the clear suggestion that Jason and Bridget are now going to be together – I could have lived without that.

+ “I would like to make it up to you by fucking you.” Does anything else even need to be said about the Eric and Ginger sex scene, except for that I have never laughed harder at anything True Blood has ever done? Also, the choice of Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” as the background music - so perfect.

+ “Dearest Sookie, if you’re reading this letter, then you’ve probably already figured out that I’m gone.” Sam leaves town to go to Chicago with Nicole and his unborn child. Bye forever, you utterly useless character. GOODBYE. FOR. EVER.

+ And some final thoughts:

+ Andy didn’t get much screentime this episode, but I loved his reaction to Sam’s letter: “Dear Sheriff Bellefleur, I resign. Sincerely, Sam Merlotte.”

+ I totally understood why Jessica would ask to be released by Bill, and although everything else he did in this episode sucked, I enjoyed his speech in response to her: “I am so proud of the vampire you’ve become, and I know you will stand out there on your own two feet just beautifully when I am gone. I renounce the ties of our blood and my dominion over you as my progeny. As your maker, Jessica, I release you.”

+ “Get over yourself, Bill.” Eric Northman has never said truer words.

+ “I care about a small handful of people in this world. A few vampires, and you.” So we can’t get even ONE final sex scene between Eric and Sookie? Not fair, True Blood writers.

+ So when Jessica tells Sookie, “It’s safe, you can come out,” when they’re going to Sam’s, is that because Hep-V vampires are still roaming around? Are they actually still a threat? WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS STORYLINE?

+ A small gripe: So both Wade and Sookie don’t like dirty rice? DIRTY RICE IS DELICIOUS. Clearly they are both insane.

+ Sadly, there’s very little Pam in this episode, but I did like her snide, “Yeah, ‘whorehouse’ they understand, of course,” while trapped with the Yakuza. Also wouldn’t you think the Yakuza would have enough money to provide escorts to wherever their men were, instead of forcing them to hit up whorehouses? I don’t know, just a thought. 

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Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “May Be The Last Time”

I’m exhausted this morning, and I blame “May Be The Last Time.” Geez, could an episode of True Blood be more anticlimactic? I complained last week about “Karma” treading water, but “May Be The Last Time” didn’t even feel like treading. It felt like I was drowning in the boringness of Bill’s flashbacks and in the stupidity of Adilyn and Wade and in the self-absorbedness of Sookie Stackhouse and the sex-addiction of Jason Stackhouse (because there has to be a medical reason for Jason being such an asshole, right?).

What even happened in the episode?! I honestly cannot even tell you. I mean, I will spend the rest of this column telling you. But I don’t WANT to.

Let’s just get started. I have nothing else to say. Well, nothing positive, anyway.

+ “Her name is not Sarah. It’s Newme, and she is a good person!” Peace out, Amber Newlin! Because now you’re dead, even though sister Sarah cured you, because Eric Northman does not take any shit. Although how much closer are he, Pam, and Mr. Gus Jr. from finding Sarah? Seemingly minutes away, but knowing this show, they probably won’t actually cross paths for a couple more episodes. BECAUSE TIME DOES NOT WORK CORRECTLY IN BON TEMPS, AND PEOPLE MAKE STUPID DECISIONS.

Ahem. Anyway. So Eric and Pam have officially teamed up with Mr. Gus Jr., who wants them to help him synthesize Sarah’s antidote-heavy blood, create a new product called New Blood, and then take it, cure themselves, and become spokespeople for the brand. “You want Eric to be your fucking spokesperson for your vampire Jenny Craig commercials?” Pam drawls, but hey, who would turn down 49 percent of a multibillion-dollar company? I mean, I get it.

At the same time as Eric and Pam are making their deal with Mr. Gus Jr. and his Yakuza goons, Sarah is hiding out at the Light of Day Institute, where she and husband Steve Newlin used to run the cult the Fellowship of the Sun. But shit is getting weird for Sarah, as she starts seeing hallucinations of previous lovers: There’s Jason Stackhouse, shirtless and glorious, threatening her with, “You’re gonna die tonight” and “There’s death coming for you,” and there’s also preppy, closeted Steve, who argues

with her about whether she should die a Buddhist or a Christian. “Fuck the path, Sarah, die a Christian!” might be the best thing Steve Newlin has ever done, honestly.

But is Sarah actually going to die? Or is this storyline going to be dragged out for the entire three episodes remaining? I don’t have the patience for this, dammit!

+ “Have fun fucking!” WHAT IS GOING ON WITH VIOLET, YOU GUYS. I don’t even understand; I really don’t, and this is coming from a longtime viewer of True Blood who is VERY USED to not understanding anything that is going on for this terrible excuse for a premium cable show.

Nothing about this Violet storyline adds up, does it? So Violet was virginal as a human, according to what she told Jason, and they lived in that dingy basement together. But she actually had a crazy sex dungeon WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE of where Adilyn and Wade were making out in that treehouse, and it’s full of weird sexual accessories from centuries past, and it has a bizarre painting of Violet as what, an old-timey courtesan? So what version of Violet is real? And if she wanted to kill Adilyn to hurt Jessica, JUST DO IT ALREADY. Why would you encourage Adilyn and Wade to have weird kinky sex, and then handcuff her to the bed afterward?

Zero. Fucking. Sense. (Although, “Your imagination is a muscle; use it or lose it,” kind of made me laugh. Evil Violet has some good lines, even though she is, you know, evil.)

As all this is going on, Andy and Holly are stupidly driving out to Oklahoma City, where they think Wade and Adilyn may have gone … even though they left their car at the treehouse back in Bon Temps. And then when Holly says, “This story’s gonna have a happy ending for us; I know it. I promise,” that was essentially a death sentence for their children, right? Foreshadowing doesn’t get more obvious than that.

+ “There are some things that can be fixed with magic, but your vampire friend is not one of them. I’m sorry.” You know, Niall, I don’t REALLY think you’re sorry, and neither does Sookie! But that doesn’t stop the guilt-ridden Sookie from jumping into Bill’s arms and then his bed, which I guess is OK because she was Hep-V positive anyway? Newsflash: Hep-V continues to make no sense.

Other stuff happened in this storyline—the very random dwarf Dr. Ludwig showed up to be terrified of Sookie’s faerie lineage and confirm that her faerie blood probably has something to do with the accelerated speed of Bill’s sickness; we got some useless Bill flashbacks—but none of that other stuff matters, right? What matters is that Sookie and Bill are back together, if you care about that kind of thing, and they’re having sex for what “may be the last time,” but they’re IN LOVE or something. So on the nose, True Blood writers. So on the nose.

Also, can we roll our eyes together at Sookie’s “I like to think of myself as strong, but I’m not this strong”? When has Sookie EVER BEEN STRONG? I mean, shooting Debbie was badass, but otherwise? Cue hysterical shouts of mocking laughter, etc.

+ “A human with a vampire is just wrong, you know?” Oh, Arlene. Her romantic subplot with the vampire Keith can be explained with just a few images, I think:

Dreams of having sex with Keith:

Doesn’t end up having sex with Keith. Ends up dancing with Keith. Cue Arlene’s happy ending: A creepy friendship with a vampire who is over 500 years old and kind of looks like Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey. Does anyone else see it? Anyone?

+ “I didn’t get a first name. Just Stackhouse.” THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF HOYT. Hoyt looks good, you guys. Pretty damn good! And of course his return is only being used to expose how much of a sex-addicted asshole former best friend Jason Stackhouse is.

Because for some reason, Jason is eyeing up Hoyt’s “super-smart” microbiologist girlfriend, even though the entire reason his friendship with Hoyt was ruined was because he started having sex with Jessica, who was supposedly Hoyt’s one-and-only. And it’s been barely, what, a DAY since Jason had sex with Jessica again, but he hasn’t paid any attention to her since? Hasn’t tried to figure out where Violet went after dumping him? Has just been vacuuming in his underwear? 

I mean, don’t get me wrong. Any Jason Stackhouse shirtless time is appreciated. But this storyline is such a waste of the dramatic tension that is Hoyt, Jessica, and Jason, and I don’t even get why it’s happening at all. (Except as a way to bring us shirtless Jason, I guess, which … I can’t complain.)

+ And some other random thoughts:

+ The depiction of the Japanese has been pretty superficial overall, but I love Mr. Gus Jr. as a coldhearted capitalist: “Would you say that money is a primary motivator for you?” and “We gonna make some money?” worked for me. (I also laughed at his “Now, I ain’t a homo, but you have to admit he is a handsome devil” when discussing Eric.)

+ “I can’t wrap my head around leaving this place.” GO THE FUCK AWAY, SAM.

+ “What is nothingness? I don’t know what nothingness is!” Sarah Newlin, ladies and gentlemen.

+ “When I was your age, I used to fuck my brother too. A lot.” CRAZY VIOLET ALERT, CRAZY VIOLET ALERT.

+ Here, your weekly edition of “Bill’s terrible flashback wigs.”

+ The entire Dr. Ludwig character was idiotic, but I did like her deadpan, “Ooh, how very spooky—a cemetery.”

+ The return of Rutger Hauer as Niall was largely pointless, except for watching him eat spaghetti. That was TV gold.

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Kit Harington and Andy Samberg Serve Up '7 Days in Hell'; Allison Williams is Peter Pan

 Being a part of the HBO family comes with many perks. Not only are you a frequent target for Emmy nominations, but it also leads to some pretty big opportunities outside of the network. And now we're seeing two members of the HBO fam taking on new projects, one that sounds potentially awesome and another that could be disaster in the waiting.

First up, Game of Thrones star Kit Harington will team up with Andy Samberg for the star-studded tennis mockumentary, 7 Days in Hell. Check out the cast being assembled for this one: Fred Armisen, Lena Dunham, Will Forte, Karen Gillan, Howie Mandel, Soledad O’Brien (!!!), Michael Sheen, Mary Steenburgen and Oscar nominee June Squibb. Samberg and Murray Miller developed the story with Miller writing the script, and it follows two fierce tennis rivals during an epic 7-day match at Wimbledon. SNL's Jake Szymanski is directing. [Deadline]

And then there's Allison Williams, who plays vocally-challenged wannabe singer Marnie Michaels on Girls. She'll kind of get her wish in a sense as Williams has agreed to play the boy who wouldn't grow up in NBC's Peter Pan Live. She'll sing and dance alongside Christopher Walken as Captain Hook, and hopefully this won't be as terrible as their live version of The Sound of Music. Ratings be damned, that thing sucked.

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Seven Kingdoms Scoop: New season five characters for 'Game of Thrones' unveiled

Sure, season five of Game of Thrones might be almost a year away, but that won't slow down HBO's biggest show, will it? The show's presence at Comic-Con this year revealed a few things that will certainly keep fans talking until next March/April: That the novels' author George R.R. Martin will not be involved with this upcoming season, so he can finish the next book in the series, The Winds of Winter, according to an interview he had with Vulture.

THAT IS HUGE NEWS, especially given how many changes showrunners Benioff and Weiss made to the source material when putting together season four, which adapted the second half of the third book in the series, A Storm of Swords (if you missed my recaps, read them here). With Martin one step further removed, what other insane (and stupidly wrong) things will Benioff and Weiss do in adapting the series' fourth book, A Feast for Crows? Perhaps some answers are already evident in the season five new characters video, which also debuted at Comic-Con.


The new characters this season, according to this video, are:

Doran Martell = Alexander Siddig (!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Trystane Martell = Toby Sebastian
Myrcella Baratheon = Nell Tiger Free
Areo Hotah = DeObia Oparei
Yezzan = Enzo Cilenti
Nymeria Sand = Jessica Henwick
Tyene Sand = Rosabell Laurenti Sellers
Obara Sand = Keisha Castle-Hughes (also !!!!!!!!!)
High Sparrow = Jonathan Pryce

Spoiler-y, in-depth descriptions of each character are available here, if you're interested, but what's immediately evident is that they lean heavily toward the Martell side of things, which is why the picture going with this post is Oberyn Martell. Remember the Red Viper, you guys? Because the Red Viper is dead now, and the Martells are pissed. His bastard daughters, nicknamed the Sand Snakes - including the dagger-wielding and beautiful Nymeria, the treacherous but seemingly innocent Tyene, and the eldest and ruthless Obara - are yearning for revenge, but Oberyn's older brother and leader of Dorne Doran Martell has other plans. Plans that involve Doran's son Trystane and his betrothed Myrcella Baratheon, in fact (the role has been recast, if you thought to yourself, "Hmm, Myrcella isn't how I remember her").

The Martells are the most important characters added this season, I think (and I am SO PUMPED for Alexander Siddig, who I have wanted to be cast as Doran for YEARS), but here is the lowdown on the others: Areo Hotah is Doran's bodyguard, Yezzan is a slave trader who will cross paths with a Lannister, and the High Sparrow is an important religious figure who will also cross paths with a Lannister, but a different one.

And yet ... who we DON'T see added to the new characters list suggests some other changes from Benioff and Weiss: There's no Arianne Martell, who is Doran's daughter, acts like his heir, and is extremely close with the Sand Snakes and Myrcella, or Doran's other son, Quentyn, who is a little bumbling but has an important role to play later on with someone born of fire and blood. And also importantly, there are no new members of the Greyjoy family, who also have important storylines throughout A Feast for Crows. Benioff and Weiss have hinted that perhaps they're cutting that major Greyjoy storyline, but it involves new characters, important ones that interact with Yara, Theon's sister, as well as that same person who is born of fire and blood. So not including any of them seems very suspect.

Regardless of whether you're a book reader or not, check out the new cast members video again to see who you'll see next spring. And if you're not excited about Alexander Siddig, a.k.a. Dr. Julian Bashir, then we can't be friends.

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