Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) is reaching middle aged, is single, and has no kids. This isn’t how she saw her life going and has decided to do something about it by getting artificially inseminated. On the way out of the doctor’s office she has a chance encounter with a guy named Stan (Alex O’Laughlin), the two don’t exactly hit it off but Stan’s persistence wins out and they begin a relationship. One problem, Zoe does a pregnancy test and finds out that she got knocked up by the turkey baster on the first shot and has to break the news to Stan. The film follows the two as they try to nurture their budding relationship through the unavoidable fact that she is pregnant, with twins by the way, that aren’t his and all that comes along with that.
Wow, and they say Gigli was bad. This movie is the direct definition of horrible. I could probably go on for hours about its flaws but will try to stay as concise as possible. First off, the entire movie’s pretty damn gross. That’s not just me being a guy and saying lady stuff is gross, this film has the potential to make a seasoned coroner’s gag and it’s all done for shock value with no comedic merit. I’m talking menstrual blood, women pooping in water, Amazonian pubic regions gross. On top of that the writing just plain sucked. The dialogue is so bad in some scenes that are meant to be emotional that it becomes just plain uncomfortable to watch. There seemed to be no logic at all in the storyline with Zoe breaking the news of her pregnancy to Stan a week after they met…which is certainly not the amount of time it would take to form an emotional bond that’s the timeframe in which you learn someone’s middle name or that they don’t like green beans, not choose to alter your entire existence for them. Needless to say the lack of emotional depth between the two made the situation and all of its complications very hard to swallow. Now on to how this movie serves to knock back women’s lib by about 40 years. It paints women as one of four things; angry mom’s who hate their lives, woman obsessed about getting married or pregnant, lesbians, and whores. There is not one confident independent, happy woman in the entire movie. As far as the guy’s goes it simply sets impossible standards for any man to meet, and we wonder why no one’s happy these days…these damn movies are making us expect WAYYY too much. Let me break here and say that I enjoy romantic comedies. I’m not taking a testosterone induced trip down misogynist lane. I actually tend to think that even most bad rom-coms can be a lot of fun, but this one is the exception. There is not a single thing in this movie meant for a man to see, and not a single thing a woman would enjoy seeing. I suppose there are some feminine in jokes that I just didn’t get so maybe I missed a laugh or two, but if those jokes fell as flat as the one’s that I did understand than I didn’t miss much. There’s also completely disregard for showcasing how to act safely while pregnant. Now I know that this wasn’t a documentary on maternity safety but really? You’re showing her falling flat on her overly enlarged tummy where two babies are living and expect us not to say…umm maybe that’s a bad idea. Or hey let’s go climbing in this trash can and diving stomach down into a cab while preggo with twins, that seems a good idea! I know this doesn’t really affect the story but it just goes to show you the lack of effort put into this film’s script and production. Well it can’t ALL be bad, in an hour and 45 minutes you must’ve laughed a few times, or found something redeeming.
Redeeming? No, tolerable perhaps. Eric Christen Olsen delivers some of the only laughs of the film and is generally likeable even if he’s only on screen for a total of 5 minutes. They really should have made him the romantic lead and this thing may have played out a bit better. Also, Zoe’s dog was pretty cute. He was a pug from a puppy mill who has bad back legs and get’s around in a puppy wheelchair. I did enjoy seeing that lil fella on screen. That’s….. About…… It.….
I’m not really sure that I have to say anything her in summation, I’m pretty sure the review speaks for itself. Just in case you’re still undecided and are thinking maybe you’ll see it anyway let me make it clear, DON’T. Really, I’m serious this isn’t a don’t take a guy’s advice on a romantic comedy thing this is the real deal you will feel that you wasted twenty bucks if you buy tickets to this thing. I honestly can’t tell you to get it on DVD or even recommend watching it on cable for that matter. This movie is a steaming pile of wasted studio money that should not be viewed in any medium. It sickens me to know that even with all the bad reviews that are going to flood out over the next few days this movie will still probably make more money than I’ll ever see in my lifetime, I just pray it doesn’t take #1 over The Losers or Kick-Ass.
OPEN LETTER TO J.LO:
Our Darling Jenny,
You’re still as beautiful as the day we met and can pull of cutesy looks with the best of them, dammit you can even act, we saw Selena, we know! Please PLEASE use some of that Jenny from the block money and get someone to read your scripts for you, this can’t happen again or it’s back to the Fly Girls for ya!
Love ya lots,
John and the Punch Drunk Critics
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