Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “You’re No Good”

I mean, I’m not going to complain about an episode where there is massive Eric Northman sexual tension and Alcide popping out of a button-up shirt and even Bill Compton looking steely and handsome. But did anyone else feel like nothing really happened in “You’re No Good”? I mean, not really.

The long and the short of it is this: Eric, Tara, and Pam are on the run with the Guv’s daughter, Willa Burrell, whom he’s kidnapped and who is nursing a bit of a crush on Eric; Sookie’s grandfather Niall learns that Warlow has killed all of the faeries at that faerie burlesque place and is still on the hunt for Sookie; Alcide continues to be a kidnapping asshole; and Bill decides to save his vampire people with faerie blood, which—if he can’t get from Sookie—he’ll get some other way. Like, unwillingly, from Sheriff Andy’s four half-faerie daughters, who have already become tweens. Because Bilith doesn’t give a fuck about your children!

So what were the craziest parts of last night’s episode, “You’re No Good”? Click through for my thoughts! (And, of course, SPOILERS ahead!)

1. What’s that, Eric Northman? You threatened to “tear … apart” Willa’s lady parts as a way to piss off her father, the governor? That seems like a great idea, except for where it doesn’t seem like the Guv actually cares about his daughter; he’s clearly faking concern on his phone call to Eric, and only seems to want to track down Northman to send him to his very-obviously-Nazi-inspired vampire Holocaust camp, where he’s already holding Steve Newlin. Experiments, research, torture—according to Willa, if you name it, the camp has it. But back to Eric’s creepy rapey threat, did he just mean he would ravage her vagina? Or is he suggesting that she’s a virgin and he’s going to deflower her? Either way, lots of options here. Lots of gross, gross options.

2. “I will stop this!” Bill yells, and apparently to save his people, Jessica has to dress up like a sexy schoolgirl to kidnap the university professor who synthesized Tru Blood. (Of note, however: Bill’s powers aren’t infinite, and the sun can still burn the shit out of him.) Anyway, even though Sookie says no to helping Bill save the vampires (her: “You’re not God, Bill, you’re just an asshole; him: “You’re dead to me now, Sookie Stackhouse”), he realizes he can probably drain Andy’s four daughters for their faerie blood instead. And although Andy isn’t 100 percent fine with being a dad yet (“Dammit, girls, how many times do I have to tell you, hand lasers off!” was a great line, as was the revelation that he hasn’t actually named his children yet), I’m sure he’s not going to be happy with an ancestor designing to kill them.

3. In other Stackhouse-related news, I liked the sort-of meta admission from Jason that his character development is, quite consistently, the most inconsistent part of the show. As he notes to Sookie, his bizarre behavior can be attributed to two causes: “You got any idea how many concussions I got back in my playing days?” and “You didn’t wonder why I was acting more crazy or racist than usual?” So yeah, Jason realizes that the hallucinations of his parents weren’t totally accurate, and he’s very committed to helping protect Sookie from Warlow—until he collapses on the floor at the end of the episode, increasingly sick from some unknown cause. And newly tending to him will be Sookie’s new love interest, halfling Bill, who Grandpa Niall has recruited to their cause. Because, never forget, Grandpa Niall is King of the Fae. I will never stop laughing at how ridiculous that sounds.

4. On the werewolf side of things, yes, everyone, Alcide is still an asshole! After kidnapping Emma, he’s still on some insane power trip, trying to pick a fight with the cops, forcing girlfriend Rikki to bow down to him—like, literally; it was another weirdly sexually charged power play in a relationship full of weirdly sexually charged power plays—and not preventing a fight between his pack and the members of the Vampire Unity Society, who just show up on their property. To be fair, most of the Vampire Unity Society—aside from leader Nicole Wright—seem to be complete idiots, especially her Penn-educated boyfriend, who I hope got slashed to bits. But really, I ask this every week: How did Alcide become such an unlikeable character, and so quickly? I don’t get it.

5. And finally, a legitimate question: Does Sam Merlotte have a tramp stamp? Because I kind of saw one when he was shirtlessly ushering Emma off into the forest to save Nicole Wright and run away from the werewolves, but I’m not sure. SOMEONE PLEASE REPORT BACK WITH MORE INFORMATION.

+ And finally, my favorite lines from this week:

+ “Fucking science!” Andy says when he receives a new box of policing tools from the Guv, such as anti-glamour contact lenses. That, coupled with Holly’s shocked face at the growth of his daughters, was good stuff.

+ Lots and lots of great stuff from Eric this week, from his “It’s OK, Ginger, I understand. You’re stupid,” when his former Fangtasia waitress actually picks up his cell phone when the Guv calls to “Put your tape back on” when Willa tries to seduce him. To be fair, though, if you’re stuck in a coffin with Eric Northman, wouldn’t you try to seduce him, too? I don’t blame her in the least.

+ “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. I’m in politics now” and “If you really wanna do God’s work, you have to be in politics,” were some very on-the-nose lines from Steve Newlin’s wife Sarah this week, but I like her return, because it further demonstrates the writers’ commitment to pushing the vampires-as-gays allegory as this season. Again, that sentiment, coupled with the vampires being put into work camps idea, is a little much. But hopefully the payoff will be good, and we’ll eventually forgive the utilization of tragic world history for a silly HBO show about the undead.

+ Pam didn’t have much to do this week, but I did adore her “I didn’t ask because I didn’t give a shit” when Eric asks her where Nora has gone. We eventually learn that she’s been watching Sookie’s house, looking for Warlow, but god, fuck Nora. I really need her to die this season.

+ And finally, “That mangy bitch had a mean right,” from the one and only Lafayette, who pledges to Sam that he’ll help him protect Emma. Also, Lafayette’s cat eyeliner this episode—on point. Teach me your ways, Lala!