Travis Hopson's 10 Worst Movies of 2013

Despite the very presence of a list such as this, 2013 was actually a damn good year at the movies. And I, for one, prefer to look at it from that perspective for the most part, celebrating the diversity and genuine bravery of a good many movies that I had the fortune to witness. But in order to do them the proper justice, it's only fitting that those movies that absolutely stunk up the joint also need to be called out for how weak, unfunny, and downright pathetic they were. And there were friggin' doozies; enough that Movie 43 and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone don't appear on here even though they could. Some of these turned out to be movies that fell miserably short in attempts to be something greater; others run the gamut of shitty direction to piss-poor acting; and some are just utterly incomprehensible.

Since these aren't movies I have a lot of respect for, you'll excuse me for being more vulgar than usual. These flicks deserve it. And when you're finished here and want something a little more upbeat,you can always check out my thoughts on the best 2013 had to offer. Enjoy.

Adore
Cast: Robin Wright, Naomi Watts
Director: Anne Fontaine

Robin Wright, Naomi Watts...how can you go wrong with those two? Well, they aren't the problem, but it was obvious right away this movie was a laughable stinker. Originally titled The Grandmothers, then Two Mothers, before settling on the innocuous Adore, it was all an attempt to hide the joke of a plot, which had two lifelong best friends nailing the other's sons. Okay, but surely such talented actresses could make something real out of this, right? Well, no, and it barely rises above Skinemax porn levels which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't also painfully dull. At Sundance earlier this year I remember the director Anne Fontaine being appalled that critics were laughing during the screening because...well, it's really not a comedy.

Struck By Lightning
Cast: Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson, Allison Janney, Christina Hendricks
Director: Brian Dannelly

Chris Colfer might be a talented guy on Glee and an anti-bullying champion or something, but he can't write for shit. Struck by Lightning is about a contemptuous little snot who gets hit by a bolt from on high right at the beginning of the movie, and the rest of his nasty little life is replayed in flashback. But it was me who was praying to get struck as this supposed message-movie about being kind to others got twisted in its poorly executed narrative, and somehow ended up kind of asking us to rally around a character who had done nothing but make lives miserable. Pretty sure it's not what Colfer had in mind but he might want to stick with singing from now on.

A Good Day to Die Hard
Cast: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Cole Hauser
Director: John Moore

Okay look, this one's too easy of a target. It'd be like putting A Haunted House on this list. Why kick sand in the 90 lb. weakling's face? The problem is, A Good Day to Die Hard isn't a weakling, it's a damned juggernaut, and after 25 years of Bruce Willis as John McClane he delivers this epic stink bomb as a great big "f**k you!!" to the franchise. Yes, the fifth film in the series is easily the most terrible, not because it differentiates so wildly from the core concept....oh wait...yes it does. Why does the classic everyman hero John McClane need to be in Moscow? Why doesn't he ever use his damned brain to solve problems anymore? Why is he suddenly Superman capable of surviving falls from the top of buildings with barely a scratch? Who is that giant blond slab of nothing standing next to him claiming to be his son? Why was this movie photographed so badly? And why are we already being promised a sixth movie? Why aren't there riots in the damned streets?

Tyler Perry Presents Peeples
Cast: Craig Robinson, Kerry Washington, David Alan Grier
Director: Tina Gordon Chism

Craig Robinson is a funny guy in measured doses (see This is the End), but not even he can save a piece of crap that starts with a song about urine and trickles down the comedy scale the rest of the way. As much as I respect writer/director Tina Gordon Chism for what she did on Drumline (not so much for ATL), straight comedy isn't her strength, and Peeples was such a laugh-free experience my colleague +Tim Gordon  had to be restrained from leaving the theater early. Nah, homie, you ain't leavin' me to wallow in this filth alone!  Extra demerits for wasting the multiple talents of the gorgeous Kerry Washington, and for making a Tyler Perry movie that I can't trash him for!

Upstream Color
Cast: Shane Carruth, Amy Seimetz
Director: Shane Carruth

Incomprehensible gobbledygook disguised as high-concept art, this "random shit thrown against the wall" flick earns a special place in my Hall of Pain for two reasons: 1. After the Sundance screening I talked to a number of very high-profile critics who couldn't make heads or tails out of it, yet wrote reviews praising the Hell out of it. Say wha!?!? And 2. My interview with writer/director Shane Carruth was one of the most pleasant experiences I had all year, and made me feel bad for dropping my pants all over his movie. He's a genuinely nice guy, though.

Lovelace
Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Peter Sarsgaard, James Franco, Sharon Stone, Adam Brody
Directors: Rob Epstein & Jeffrey Friedman

Hey, let's make a movie about Deep Throat star and porn legend Linda Lovelace but not actually reveal anything about Linda Lovelace!!! A circus troupe of ridiculous cameos (James Franco as Hugh Hefner!? Wha!?) may have been a minor distraction from this gutless biopic, but it also served as a diversion from Amanda Seyfried's hilarious attempts to find an emotional core to Lovelace when their didn't seem to be one.

Identity Thief
Cast: Melissa McCarthy, Jason Bateman, Genesis Rodriguez, T.I. Harris, Amanda Peet
Director: Seth Gordon

So who do we blame for this fiasco? Ah, screw it, just nail 'em all to the wall. The supremely-talented Melissa McCarthy allowed her big, powerful personality to be twisted into something ugly and mean-spirited, and used against her in a way that was demeaning on multiple levels. Jason Bateman, who I'm sorry to say is a marginal talent at best (and I loved him on Arrested Development but not much else), has never been more marginal than here as he suffers one lazy indignity after the other, all for a film that doesn't really seem to have much point beyond "have Bateman and McCarthy fall down a lot". Total trash.

Grown Ups 2
Cast: Adam Sandler, David Spade, Kevin James, Chris Rock
Director: Dennis Dugan

Another easy punching bag. Adam Sandler's continued paid vacations with his pals has delivered another comedy goose egg, and at this point would it be fair to ask if he's intentionally offering up garbage because he knows people will buy it? Somehow, some damned way, Grown Ups 2 is so lazy that it doesn't even bother to have a plot. Not one at all. Sure, there's something about the old guys getting ragged on by Taylor Lautner and that guy from Gilmore Girls, but that's not a story. Nope, there's nothing to speak of, and unfortunately the last guys to get the memo they aren't funny anymore are Kevin James, Chris Rock, Sandler, and David Spade who has never been funny ever. You know it's bad when Rob Schneider wouldn't make room in his "busy schedule" (*GUFFAW*) to return.

To the Wonder
Cast: Ben Affleck, Olga Kurylenko, Rachel McAdams, Javier Bardem
Director: Terrence Malick

So be honest with me, okay? We're all friends here, right? To the Wonder wasn't actually made by Terrence Malick, was it? It was some guy making fun of Malick, right? Because surely the man couldn't have slipped into self-parody quite this fast. Certainly there is something to like about this movie and it's the sweeping cinematography we all went in knowing we were going to get. But what else does it have to offer? Why is everybody whispering in hushed tones like they have some big secret? Here's a secret: This movie blows, and it has nothing to say about love, faith (Javier Bardem...dude.), or anything for that matter. What are we meant to take from Ben Affleck's aimless non-entity of a husband? Olga Kurylenko and Rachel McAdams drift through the film as women who are both insane and utterly disposable (McAdams straight up disappears and I couldn't care less about where she went), but they're apparently really passionate about....something. Not sure what. Whatever.

Getaway
Cast: Ethan Hawke, Selena Gomez
Director: Courtney Solomon

Another beach ball-sized pitch over the plate, Getaway has probably found its way on multiple "worst of the year" lists at this point, and rightly so. It's absolutely horrid from top to bottom, and one of those films that makes you wonder if producers watched the dailies before it came out. The worst part about it is that Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez were coming off much better roles in Before Midnight and Spring Breakers, but Getaway is so bad it basically wipes out any good vibes. Painfully monotonous from the starting line, the film has Hawke as an ex-stunt racer or something who falls victim to one of those nefarious "villains from afar" that I despise with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns. He calls in instructions forcing them to race from point A to point B and you'd think something thrilling would happen along the way but...nope. Nada. Sure there are car crashes galore; really poorly shot car crashes thanks to a director best known for that Dungeons and Dragons movie you hated as a kid. This wouldn't be so bad if all the smash 'em up action was even mildly spirited, or at least done in fun, but Hawke and Gomez act as if they've just come out of major brain surgery and the doctor left the sponge in. 

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:  Movie 43 is woefully unfunny but is saved by Terrence Howard's racist basketball skit; The Incredible Burt Wonderstone just misses this list because at least everyone seems to recognize how lousy the movie is; Diablo Cody's Paradise is probably the most toothless thing she's ever done; Joining the Mile High Club has never been less interesting than it was in Pedro Almodovar's I'm So Excited; Epic was too forgettable to make any list; 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded is so bad I was begging for John Cena to run-in and hit me with a chair.

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Best (and Worst) Movie Trailers of 2013

 I have a few things I do on the Internet whenever I’m bored: look at shoes, read entertainment gossip, and watch movie trailers. SO. MANY. MOVIE. TRAILERS.

And because this year was actually a shockingly great one for movies—I saw 140-something movies this year, and I can confidently say that I liked more than I disliked—that means movie trailers were great, too. We’ve come a long way since the pre-YouTube trailers of the 1990s, with their omnipresent narration and low resolution. Now every trailer gets analyzed online, screengrabbed and gif-ed for Tumblr, and—more often than not—they all have that Inception BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM noise. Practically every action movie trailer this year had that noise. Can we stop that noise?

But other than the BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM-heavy deluge, there were a lot of really great movie trailers this year. I’ve collected my favorite seven below, as well as my three least favorites. These trailers either made us excited for the full-length film, really tapped into the point of view of the filmmakers, or just had a great score attached. Are your favorites on here? Sound off in the comments!

BEST TRAILERS OF 2013

TO THE WONDER

I’ll be honest: I love me some Terrence Malick, I adored The Tree of Life, and yet To the Wonder was ultimately a letdown. Too little dialogue; too much Ben Affleck; and this movie seemed to disappear from theaters and public consciousness in a way few Malick movies do. But oh, this trailer had me so excited for months. It’s pretentious but beautiful in that patented Malick way, and every time I heard Javier Bardem say “You feel your love has died—maybe it’s waiting to be transformed into something higher,” I burst into tears. I often have TOO MANY emotions, and this trailer really exemplified that. I think it really accurately captures everything people love—and hate—about Malick, and if that’s not a great trailer, I don’t know what is.

To The Wonder by Teaser-Trailer.com

SPRING BREAKERS

James Franco purring “Let’s cause some trouble now.” Former Disney teen queens wearing sweatpants with “DTF” on their butts. That utterly annoying, undeniably catchy song from Skrillex. Was there a more titillating fever dream of a trailer, or of a movie, this entire year? Nope. Director Harmony Korine and Spring Breakersget that distinct honor, and watching this trailer—even after I’ve seen the movie three times already—still gives me giddy chills.

Spring Breakers with Selena Gomez – Official Trailer by FanReviews

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES

Jeez, was Derek Cianfrance’s The Place Beyond the Pines critically underrated this year. An excellent performance from Ryan Gosling, a breakthrough role for Dane DeHaan, the only time I’ve ever tolerated Eva Mendes—The Place Beyond the Pines had all that! There wasn’t a more affecting tale of the relationships between fathers and sons this year than this movie—“I’m still his father. I can give him stuff”—and I didn’t sob more in a movie theater during all of 2013. The mirroring between Ryan Gosling’s and Bradley Cooper’s characters is done really well in this trailer, and although it’s not an intensely exciting trailer, it sticks with you. The movie will, too; just see it.

The Place Beyond The Pines by Teaser-Trailer.com

THE GREAT GATSBY

Before The Great Gatsby came out, buzz was that the movie was going to be a flop. Such a huge budget for a literary adaptation? After Baz Luhrmann had a failure with Australia? The negative hype was high. But oh man, did The Great Gatsby trailers work hard to turn that doubt around—and when the movie ended up being a commercial success, I think you can point to these trailers as helping that. The movie got a few different official trailers and TV spots before its release, but out of all of them, I think the first is the best. “My life—my life has got to be like this.”

The Great Gatsby by Teaser-Trailer.com

ONLY GOD FORGIVES

Yes, Nicolas Winding Refn’s Only God Forgives was basically just a masturbatory arthouse movie with beautiful scenes, fantastic cinematography, and extremely little plot. But try to tell me Ryan Gosling asking “Wanna fight?” didn’t get your blood boiling. TRY TO TELL ME THAT. And you will be wrong.

Only God Forgives Trailer by Teaser-Trailer.com

MAN OF STEEL

Yes, one of my best movie memories of the entire year was sitting next to my PDC colleague Julian Lytle during Man of Steel, when, during a climactic moment, Julian exasperatedly uttered “Fuck this movie!” in the middle of a packed screening. And ultimately, I concur! I found Man of Steel frustrating and badly plotted, which is especially a bummer given how fantastically epic these trailers were. Oh my god, All-American Kevin Costner suggesting that maybe his adopted son SHOULD have let all his classmates die? Superman's red cape flapping in the wind? Um, Henry Cavill SHIRTLESS and on FIRE? Yes, yes, yes. How sad that the movie was a no, no, no.

Man of Steel by Teaser-Trailer.com

PACIFIC RIM

I personally blame U.S. moviegoers for ignoring Guillermo del Toro’s Pacific Rim and thank the rest of the world for picking up the slack. How could you watch this trailer and then NOT want to see it? Amazingly detailed alien monsters? Idris Elba thundering about “canceling the Apocalypse”? Charlie Hunnam’s and Rinko Kikuchi’s extremely sexual sparring? And it made barely anything domestically? Thanks for nothing, America.

Pacific Rim Official Trailer by Teaser-Trailer.com

WORST TRAILERS OF 2013

OUT OF THE FURNACE

Want to know every single thing that happens in Out of the Furnace? Then just watch its trailer! Seriously, it leaves nothing out. But if we could move away from trailers that give away the entire movie, which actually discourages audiences from paying to see a movie they think they’ve already seen, that would be great.

Out of the Furnace by Teaser-Trailer.com

AMERICAN HUSTLE

American Hustle is a movie with performances that I loved and a soundtrack I immediately wanted to buy, but its trailers left a lot to be desired. The movie is loosely based on the Abscam scandal that is practically impossible to understand, so the trailers chose to forgo narrative and focus on the cast instead. But a trailer that JUST lists the cast members’ names? That seems phenomenally lazy to me.

American Hustle by Teaser-Trailer.com

INSIDIOUS – CHAPTER 2

Because a fat old naked man whispering things in the dark is not scary.

Insidious - Chapter 2 - starring Rose Byrne, Patrick Wilson by Teaser-Trailer.com

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Review: 'To the Wonder' directed by Terrence Malick

There was a time when Terrence Malick made us wait years, sometimes decades, for one of his films to hit theaters. They became something of an event unto themselves, sometimes producing elegantly-composed gems like Badlands, Days of Heaven, and at least in this critic's opinion, The New World. Suddenly on a prolific streak, it's been less than two years between spiritual, meditative The Tree of Life and his latest film, To the Wonder, but he may have been better off letting this one simmer for a while longer.

When Malick is on the top of his game, his work is beyond reproach, the gorgeous cinematography lending weight and credence to what are absorbing ruminations on faith, love, and family. However, when his focus is less certain you get the utter randomness of To the Wonder, an indulgent flight of fancy so abstract and vague it's likely to blow away during one of Olga Kurylenko's numerous dancing scenes. That seems to have become the new standard for Malick's choice of lead female characters; how do they look prancing along wind-swept hills while the sun rains down on them from on high? Without any real soul or depth, for all intents and purposes Malick might as well be making a really elaborate perfume commercial.

Taking us from Paris and the Mont St. Michel in France to the Rockwellian wheat fields of Oklahoma, To the Wonder explores the fading relationship between a boring American geologist and the French single-mother he falls in love. Ben Affleck wanders around in a close-mouthed stupor as Neil, who we meet as he's sweeping through France with Marina, a single mother who seems to be utterly in love with life. The two quickly fall for one another, and we see them in the throes of their passion and ecstasy. This is what Malick really wants to show us, two gorgeous people in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and his camera eats up every dreamy moment. Poetic internal narratives occasionally spill forth, but mostly the film unfolds wordlessly, hoping that mood and the suggestive score will be enough.

Malick's approach works well enough until we're expected to follow the couple's mysterious descent into uncertainty. Leaving France for the comparative blandness of Neil's home in Oklahoma, it isn't long before Marina recognizes that a poor dinner in Paris always beats lunch at a Sonic drive-thru. She has no roots in America, and can't relate to ordinary farmer folk with their boring lives. Aimless, with no friends to lean on for support, Marina and her daughter grow unhappy quickly. The dancing stops, replaced by brooding and fights we're not allowed in on. When she ultimately leaves him, Neil takes up with an old flame played by Rachel McAdams. This is probably the most needless and baffling sequence of all, and would have made more sense if Malick had thrown in a few dinosaurs or exploding planets. Rachel McAdams turns up for a cup of coffee as Neil's former flame, and the two reconnect while doing nothing other than staring at buffalo all day. Then she just ups and disappears without so much as a "by your leave".

Quickly taking on the tenor of a Malick spoof, the film reaches ridiculous lows with the side story of a priest who is desperately trying to regain his faith. Javier Bardem is a terrific actor who can say more with his eyes than most can with a thousand words, but not even he can make sense of his character's meaningless ramblings. As we see him skulking around the poorest neighborhoods trying to shepherd his flock of sheep, it becomes obvious that his character serves no purpose.

Malick may be trying to draw some sort of parallel between people who are on shaky ground in matters of love and faith, but his characters are so thin that it's impossible to care. None of them feel real enough to matter. To the Wonder resembles the director going to the well once too often, incorrectly assuming that what has worked for him in the past will always be sufficient.

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New trailer and clip from Terrence Malick's 'To the Wonder'

We're past the point of seeing Terrence Malick as some recluse who pops his head out every twenty years or so, drops a new film on us, then goes back into hiding. The guy is hanging out at film festivals and releasing new films at the rate of one every two years or so. Nobody's ever going to confuse him with Takashi Miike, but Malick's prolific streak has been hugely exciting to watch.

A new trailer for his sixth film, To the Wonder, has been released and it again shows us the gorgeous cinematography by The Tree of Life's Emmanuelle Lubezki. Ben Affleck and Olga Kurylenko star as a couple who meet and fall in love while in France, returning to his hometown in Oklahoma where things don't go quite as smoothly. Rachel McAdams and Javier Bardem co-star, and it looks like another poetic and heartfelt piece by Malick.

Check out the trailer below, along with a new clip that gives a better sense of the film's mood. To the Wonder opens on April 12th.


To the Wonder - trailer #2 [HD] (2013) Terrence Malick, Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, Javier Bardem, Olga Kurylenko by myfilm-gr

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Three new posters for Terrence Malick's 'To the Wonder'

If you saw the recent trailer for Terrence Malick's To the Wonder, it probably felt pretty familiar. Clearly he's aiming squarely at those who fell in love with The Tree of Life last year, sweeping them up in the same ambitious swirl of emotions for a romance drama starring Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, Olga Kurylenko, and Javier Bardem. The film caused quite a split amongst those who saw it in Venice and Toronto. Nothing new for a Malick film, really.

A handful of new French posters have been revealed before it hits theaters in the U.K. in February. We'll have to wait until April 12th for it to open in the U.S. Check 'em out below....[Metro]








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Breathtaking first trailer for Terrence Malick's 'To the Wonder' with Ben Affleck and Rachel McAdams

This may come as a shock but there was a good deal of controversy surrounding a Terrence Malick movie. Yeah, go figure. Just as his The Tree of Life was met with polarizing reception on the festival circuit, Malick's To the Wonder was....well, let's just say it was "harshly received" in Venice. Par for the course, but if you loved his last film and appreciate Malick's sweeping ruminations on love and spirituality, then To the Wonder is probably going to be high on your must-see list.

Other than a handful of still photos, we've seen next to nothing from To the Wonder, but now the first trailer has been unveiled, and if you loved Emmanuel Lubezki's poetic cinematography in The Tree of Life then prepare for a film that looks just as gorgeous. Ben Affleck stars as a man who returns to his Oklahoma home with his new European bride(Olga Kurylenko), only to reconnect with his childhood sweetheart played by Rachel McAdams. Javier Bardem, who received the bulk of audience scorn, turns up as a priest suffering from a crisis of faith.

Entrancing imagery abounds, and the sheer majesty of that score simply can't be overstated. Malick pumped this one out pretty quickly, for him anyway, but he doesn't appear to have let up on the emotional throttle in the least. To the Wonder opens April 12th....[The Guardian]

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Terrence Malick's upcoming romance gets a title and 'R' rating

It's become a little overwhelming trying to keep track of all the projects Terrence Malick has headed our way. That's pretty remarkable considering how we used to wait years for him to complete another film, just like we waited forever for The Tree of Life last year. We know just this year alone Malick will be filming the music industry drama, formerly titled Lawless, and he also has Knight of Cups planned. There was one more untitled romance film that we actually heard about first, with Ben Affleck, Olga Kurylenko, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Peet, Javier Bardem, Rachel Weisz, Jessica Chastain and Barry Pepper all set to star. Now that incredible sounding film not only has a title, but we also have a clue just how intense it may be.

To The Wonder is the title of Malick's film according to The Classifications and Rating Administration. The story has Affleck as a philanderer who, feeling at loose ends, travels to Paris and hooks up with a hot European woman(Kurylenko). Returning home to Oklahoma, he marries the European woman partly out of Visa concerns, but when the relationship starts to fail he rekindles a romance with a hometown girl(McAdams) that he shares a history with.  The film has been granted an 'R' rating for "some sexuality/nudity". 

The rating is a good sign that the film is close to being completed, but as we all know from Malick's history, he tends to get a little obsessive in the editing process. Still, there's an outside shot we'll see this later in the year, or possibly early in 2013. [TheFilmStage]

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