Travis Hopson's 10 Worst Movies of 2013

Despite the very presence of a list such as this, 2013 was actually a damn good year at the movies. And I, for one, prefer to look at it from that perspective for the most part, celebrating the diversity and genuine bravery of a good many movies that I had the fortune to witness. But in order to do them the proper justice, it's only fitting that those movies that absolutely stunk up the joint also need to be called out for how weak, unfunny, and downright pathetic they were. And there were friggin' doozies; enough that Movie 43 and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone don't appear on here even though they could. Some of these turned out to be movies that fell miserably short in attempts to be something greater; others run the gamut of shitty direction to piss-poor acting; and some are just utterly incomprehensible.

Since these aren't movies I have a lot of respect for, you'll excuse me for being more vulgar than usual. These flicks deserve it. And when you're finished here and want something a little more upbeat,you can always check out my thoughts on the best 2013 had to offer. Enjoy.

Adore
Cast: Robin Wright, Naomi Watts
Director: Anne Fontaine

Robin Wright, Naomi Watts...how can you go wrong with those two? Well, they aren't the problem, but it was obvious right away this movie was a laughable stinker. Originally titled The Grandmothers, then Two Mothers, before settling on the innocuous Adore, it was all an attempt to hide the joke of a plot, which had two lifelong best friends nailing the other's sons. Okay, but surely such talented actresses could make something real out of this, right? Well, no, and it barely rises above Skinemax porn levels which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't also painfully dull. At Sundance earlier this year I remember the director Anne Fontaine being appalled that critics were laughing during the screening because...well, it's really not a comedy.

Struck By Lightning
Cast: Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson, Allison Janney, Christina Hendricks
Director: Brian Dannelly

Chris Colfer might be a talented guy on Glee and an anti-bullying champion or something, but he can't write for shit. Struck by Lightning is about a contemptuous little snot who gets hit by a bolt from on high right at the beginning of the movie, and the rest of his nasty little life is replayed in flashback. But it was me who was praying to get struck as this supposed message-movie about being kind to others got twisted in its poorly executed narrative, and somehow ended up kind of asking us to rally around a character who had done nothing but make lives miserable. Pretty sure it's not what Colfer had in mind but he might want to stick with singing from now on.

A Good Day to Die Hard
Cast: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Cole Hauser
Director: John Moore

Okay look, this one's too easy of a target. It'd be like putting A Haunted House on this list. Why kick sand in the 90 lb. weakling's face? The problem is, A Good Day to Die Hard isn't a weakling, it's a damned juggernaut, and after 25 years of Bruce Willis as John McClane he delivers this epic stink bomb as a great big "f**k you!!" to the franchise. Yes, the fifth film in the series is easily the most terrible, not because it differentiates so wildly from the core concept....oh wait...yes it does. Why does the classic everyman hero John McClane need to be in Moscow? Why doesn't he ever use his damned brain to solve problems anymore? Why is he suddenly Superman capable of surviving falls from the top of buildings with barely a scratch? Who is that giant blond slab of nothing standing next to him claiming to be his son? Why was this movie photographed so badly? And why are we already being promised a sixth movie? Why aren't there riots in the damned streets?

Tyler Perry Presents Peeples
Cast: Craig Robinson, Kerry Washington, David Alan Grier
Director: Tina Gordon Chism

Craig Robinson is a funny guy in measured doses (see This is the End), but not even he can save a piece of crap that starts with a song about urine and trickles down the comedy scale the rest of the way. As much as I respect writer/director Tina Gordon Chism for what she did on Drumline (not so much for ATL), straight comedy isn't her strength, and Peeples was such a laugh-free experience my colleague +Tim Gordon  had to be restrained from leaving the theater early. Nah, homie, you ain't leavin' me to wallow in this filth alone!  Extra demerits for wasting the multiple talents of the gorgeous Kerry Washington, and for making a Tyler Perry movie that I can't trash him for!

Upstream Color
Cast: Shane Carruth, Amy Seimetz
Director: Shane Carruth

Incomprehensible gobbledygook disguised as high-concept art, this "random shit thrown against the wall" flick earns a special place in my Hall of Pain for two reasons: 1. After the Sundance screening I talked to a number of very high-profile critics who couldn't make heads or tails out of it, yet wrote reviews praising the Hell out of it. Say wha!?!? And 2. My interview with writer/director Shane Carruth was one of the most pleasant experiences I had all year, and made me feel bad for dropping my pants all over his movie. He's a genuinely nice guy, though.

Lovelace
Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Peter Sarsgaard, James Franco, Sharon Stone, Adam Brody
Directors: Rob Epstein & Jeffrey Friedman

Hey, let's make a movie about Deep Throat star and porn legend Linda Lovelace but not actually reveal anything about Linda Lovelace!!! A circus troupe of ridiculous cameos (James Franco as Hugh Hefner!? Wha!?) may have been a minor distraction from this gutless biopic, but it also served as a diversion from Amanda Seyfried's hilarious attempts to find an emotional core to Lovelace when their didn't seem to be one.

Identity Thief
Cast: Melissa McCarthy, Jason Bateman, Genesis Rodriguez, T.I. Harris, Amanda Peet
Director: Seth Gordon

So who do we blame for this fiasco? Ah, screw it, just nail 'em all to the wall. The supremely-talented Melissa McCarthy allowed her big, powerful personality to be twisted into something ugly and mean-spirited, and used against her in a way that was demeaning on multiple levels. Jason Bateman, who I'm sorry to say is a marginal talent at best (and I loved him on Arrested Development but not much else), has never been more marginal than here as he suffers one lazy indignity after the other, all for a film that doesn't really seem to have much point beyond "have Bateman and McCarthy fall down a lot". Total trash.

Grown Ups 2
Cast: Adam Sandler, David Spade, Kevin James, Chris Rock
Director: Dennis Dugan

Another easy punching bag. Adam Sandler's continued paid vacations with his pals has delivered another comedy goose egg, and at this point would it be fair to ask if he's intentionally offering up garbage because he knows people will buy it? Somehow, some damned way, Grown Ups 2 is so lazy that it doesn't even bother to have a plot. Not one at all. Sure, there's something about the old guys getting ragged on by Taylor Lautner and that guy from Gilmore Girls, but that's not a story. Nope, there's nothing to speak of, and unfortunately the last guys to get the memo they aren't funny anymore are Kevin James, Chris Rock, Sandler, and David Spade who has never been funny ever. You know it's bad when Rob Schneider wouldn't make room in his "busy schedule" (*GUFFAW*) to return.

To the Wonder
Cast: Ben Affleck, Olga Kurylenko, Rachel McAdams, Javier Bardem
Director: Terrence Malick

So be honest with me, okay? We're all friends here, right? To the Wonder wasn't actually made by Terrence Malick, was it? It was some guy making fun of Malick, right? Because surely the man couldn't have slipped into self-parody quite this fast. Certainly there is something to like about this movie and it's the sweeping cinematography we all went in knowing we were going to get. But what else does it have to offer? Why is everybody whispering in hushed tones like they have some big secret? Here's a secret: This movie blows, and it has nothing to say about love, faith (Javier Bardem...dude.), or anything for that matter. What are we meant to take from Ben Affleck's aimless non-entity of a husband? Olga Kurylenko and Rachel McAdams drift through the film as women who are both insane and utterly disposable (McAdams straight up disappears and I couldn't care less about where she went), but they're apparently really passionate about....something. Not sure what. Whatever.

Getaway
Cast: Ethan Hawke, Selena Gomez
Director: Courtney Solomon

Another beach ball-sized pitch over the plate, Getaway has probably found its way on multiple "worst of the year" lists at this point, and rightly so. It's absolutely horrid from top to bottom, and one of those films that makes you wonder if producers watched the dailies before it came out. The worst part about it is that Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez were coming off much better roles in Before Midnight and Spring Breakers, but Getaway is so bad it basically wipes out any good vibes. Painfully monotonous from the starting line, the film has Hawke as an ex-stunt racer or something who falls victim to one of those nefarious "villains from afar" that I despise with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns. He calls in instructions forcing them to race from point A to point B and you'd think something thrilling would happen along the way but...nope. Nada. Sure there are car crashes galore; really poorly shot car crashes thanks to a director best known for that Dungeons and Dragons movie you hated as a kid. This wouldn't be so bad if all the smash 'em up action was even mildly spirited, or at least done in fun, but Hawke and Gomez act as if they've just come out of major brain surgery and the doctor left the sponge in. 

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:  Movie 43 is woefully unfunny but is saved by Terrence Howard's racist basketball skit; The Incredible Burt Wonderstone just misses this list because at least everyone seems to recognize how lousy the movie is; Diablo Cody's Paradise is probably the most toothless thing she's ever done; Joining the Mile High Club has never been less interesting than it was in Pedro Almodovar's I'm So Excited; Epic was too forgettable to make any list; 12 Rounds 2: Reloaded is so bad I was begging for John Cena to run-in and hit me with a chair.

Read More

Bruce Willis takes on a helicopter in new 'A Good Day to Die Hard' clip

Just as I'm flying out the door to see A Good Day to Die Hard for myself, a new clip has emerged which...well, I probably should have ignored. We all know the plot by now, right? Bruce Willis is back as John McClane, with Jai Courtney as his son Jack, who discover that trouble has managed to find them even in Russia. The latest clip has the duo facing down a helicopter firing enough bullets to make Blue Thunder jealous. Really? Remember when John McClane wasn't friggin' Superman?

A Good Day to Die Hard opens on Valentine's Day, because of counter-programming or something. Check out the clip below....

Read More

*CLOSED* 'A Good Day to Die Hard' advance screening!

Yippee Ky Yay! We're giving away passes for you and a guest to attend an advance screening of A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth film in Bruce Willis' vaunted Die Hard franchise! The screening takes place on Tuesday February 12th at 7pm in a Washington, DC theater.

To qualify, you must first "Like" Punch Drunk Critics on Facebook. To enter, simply fire an email to punchdrunkcritics@yahoo.com with your first name and favorite Bruce Willis movie. The first 40 to respond will be emailed the downloadable passes to the event. We will NOT be using Gofobo for this screening.

Enter now!

Read More

New clip and runtime for 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

Bruce Willis isn't the only thing about about the Die Hard franchise that appears to have shrunk a few shirt sizes over the years. The runtime has eclipsed two hours for each of the prior films, but it appears screenwriter Skip Woods has slimmed down things a lot for A Good Day to Die Hard, as it will clock in at a brisk 97 minutes, which only means the awful "culture clash" jokes will come that much faster.

That's probably a good thing, because the whole John and Jack McClane in Moscow bit will probably get old really quickly. Bruce Willis teams up with Jai Courtney to play the father and son duo, who will attempt to stop Russian terrorists from doing something really nasty. The newly released clip shows that the McClane's remain as cool under pressure as ever, and the bad guys as dumb as ever.

A Good Day to Die Hard opens in IMAX on February 13th.

Read More

First clip from 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

So what exactly new is being brought to the table in A Good Day to Die Hard? We've already seen John McClane(Bruce Willis) team-up with someone he doesn't get along with in Die Hard with a Vengeance. Is it the Russian setting? Judging by this first clip, it doesn't seem like it matters other than to provide a few fish-out-of water/miscommunication jokes. So what's the point?

Oh, now I see. It's that the entire thing looks like it was filmed in Smurf-O-Vision™. A distracting blue tint drapes the new footage, which has McClane beating up civilians he can't understand while in the midst of a rather generic car chase. With John Moore(Max Payne) directing, I'm not sure we should've expected much more than this, but it's still disappointing to see it in action. Yippee Ky Blah.

A Good Day to Die Hard opens on Valentine's Day.

Read More

Sure Shots: 'A Good Day to Die Hard'; Jessica Lucas; Louis C.K.

* The muthafucka is back! As in "Yippee Ki-Yay muthafucka!!" After keeping us in suspense for awhile, A Good Day to Die Hard will officially be rated 'R', which means John McClane(Bruce Willis) and his son Jack(Jai Courtney) can let the F-Bombs fly while they're ripping through a bunch of Russian thugs. We'll watch them tear some shit up on February 14th.

* Jessica Lucas, late of CW's Melrose Place reboot, has replaced Deborah Ann Woll in Are We Officially Dating? The Zac Efron-led romantic comedy also stars Imogen Poots and Michael B. Joran, and follows three male friends in NYC who make a pact to stay single just as they each fall in love. Lucas will play Vera, the unfaithful wife of Jordan's character. Dammit, I was really digging that Woll/Jordan combination, too. Oh well. The film is written and directed by Tom Gormican. [Deadline]

* Louis C.K.'s hit FX series, Louie, may be taking a bit of break until 2014, but he's found a high-profile gig that puts him in some awesome company. He's landed a key role in David O. Russell's next film, formerly titled American Bullshit. Already with Jeremy Renner, Bradley Cooper, Amy Adams, and Christian Bale on board, the film tells the true story of Abscam scandal of the 1980s, which had a con artist and his mistress working with the feds to bust corrupt politicians. No word on who C.K. will be playing, but it's said to be important. Production begins next month, and hopefully by then it will have a real title. [THR]

Read More

New trailer for 'A Good Day to Die Hard' with Bruce Willis and Jai Courtney

"You know what I hate about you Americans? Everything. Especially cowboys". The Die Hard franchise has been wearing thin for years, and had seemingly run its final course with the pointless PG-13 rated Live Free or Die Hard. Bruce Willis isn't willing to let his signature series, or iconic beleaguered cop John McClane go quietly into that good night. Instead he's taking him international to square off with a bunch of Russian goons in A Good Day to Die Hard.

A new trailer for the film has been issued, and it's a mix new footage with much of the same bad jokes and boring explosions set to opera music that we saw before. We already know what Willis brings to the table, but the biggest question mark is Jai Courtney as his son, Jack McClane. He turned up in Jack Reacher as the right-hand man to Werner Herzog's villain, and acclimated himself well. This may serve as more of a launching pad for him as a future action star.

A Good Day to Die Hard opens on Valentine's Day, so why not make it a date?

Read More

New teaser trailer for 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

"The 007 of Plainfield, NJ". Oh yeah, this is what many were hoping the trailer for A Good Day to Die Hard would be. After the lackluster and unexciting Live Free or Die Hard, the teaser for the fifth film in the Bruce Willis series promises nothing more than fun and big action on an international scale.

Directed by John Moore, who appears to have improved greatly since Max Payne, trouble-magnet John McClane is now in Moscow with his hot-headed son, Jack(Jai Courtney), and getting mixed up in some sort of evil plot involving bad guys presumably of Russian origin. The use of "Ode to Joy" is a smart way to remind people of the humor prevalent in those old Die Hard flicks. Here's hoping the rest of the marketing push sticks to this formula rather than getting bogged down in the details. This is Die Hard, we already know what we should be getting.

A Good Day to Die Hard opens on February 14th....

Read More

Want to know the secret cameo in 'A Good Day to Die Hard'?

There's probably not a lot of mystery surrounding A Good Day to Die Hard. It's Bruce Willis back as trouble magnet, John McClane. It's Jai Courtney(Spartacus: Blood and Sand) as his son, Jack. And they'll be fighting some sort of terrorist outfit in Russia. Why are they in Russia in the first place? The heck if I know, but this is Die Hard we're talking about. Best not to think about it too much.

But there was one big mystery surrounding the film, and it was whether or not we'd see some other members of the McClane family turn up to be part of the fun. Well, now we know the answer. Turn away now if you don't want to know more....
 An extra named Ted Cross has been blogging about his experiences on the set of A Good Day to Die Hard, and he revealed that there will indeed be a third member of the McClane family appearing in the film. And it's somebody we've seen before, who also just happens to be a favorite here on the site.

Cross:  "The best, though, was that I got to work with Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who plays Willis’s daughter. I’ve had a crush on her ever since she was the lead actress in Scott Pilgrim vs the World. That’s a terrific movie if you haven’t seen it yet."

Thanks, Ted. I'll be sure to go check it out. Winstead played Lucy Gennaro McClane in 2007's terrible Live Free or Die Hard, but we don't know just how extensive her part now will be. Unless she's in Russia as well, it may just be for a phone conversation with her old man or something. I can see her watching TV, seeing John and Jack battered and bruised on the national news, and saying something like "Oh Lord, not again!"

John Moore is directing A Good Day to Die Hard for release next year on February 14th. [via Bleeding Cool]

Read More

Cole Hauser to play a villain in 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

We're really not that far off from A Good Day to Die Hard's February 2013 release date, so to me it's been a little surprising that the casting has been so slow. While I was away on vacation, Sebastian Koch(The Lives of Others) and Russian model Yulia Snigir joined the cast as what we assumed would be the two primary villains squaring off against John McClane(Bruce Willis) and his son, Jack(Jai Courtney). Turns out there are even more bad guys to knock off, as perennial villain Cole Hauser has been cast in exactly that same type of role.

Hauser is always either an ass hat or a flat out shit heel in practically every movie he's in: Higher Learning, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Hart's War. For awhile there he seemed to be on the verge of real superstardom, and had a run of leading man roles in films like Paparazzi and The Cave. Unfortunately, nobody liked those movies so he was pretty much screwed since then.

In 'Die Hard', he'll play a guy named Collins, who is involved with the schemes of the other two villains.  I'm guessing he'll be the American backing the whole thing, and will likely end up getting tossed off the top of the Kremlin by McClane's baby boy.

My expectations for this film were already low, but with so little time left to finish casting, shoot, then edit the film before release my hopes have further diminished. Add to that John Moore's less than inspiring direction and I smell a major turd in the making. [Deadline]

Read More

Jai Courtney and Bruce Willis bicker like father & son in the first look at 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

Yesterday brought us the news that Jai Courtney, the chiseled former star of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, had beaten out numerous other contenders for the role of Jack McClane in A Good Day to Die Hard. To win it, he no doubt had to go through some serious screen tests with the franchise's unquestioned leader, Bruce Willis. Nobody's getting approved without the grizzled old dude's thumbs up, so Courtney must've done some impressive work. Courtesy of our homies at BleedingCool, we can at least see that Courtney definitely looks the part. I smell spinoff.


The above image is taken from Courtney's screen test with Willis, and already it looks like the father/son pair are squabbling over something. Maybe junior pulled his gun out a little early or something? I can hear the dialogue already: "Don't pull a gun unless you intend to use it!"   "Whatever Dad!"

With John Moore(Max Payne) at the helm and a script by Skip Woods(The A-Team), expectations are mighty low. I do like the addition of Courtney, however, even if he makes Willis look absolutely ancient by comparison.

Forget the ProFlowers and the Sherri's Berries, you can celebrate Valentine's Day the right way next year when A Good Day to Die Hard opens on February 14th.

Read More

Former 'Spartacus' star Jai Courtney is John McClane's son in 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

There were a ton of names angling hard for the role of John McClane's son in the fifth Die Hard film, A Good Day to Die Hard. For good reason, as it's a high profile franchise gig with the opportunity to share screen time with Bruce Willis. But more than that, there's always the potential of a spinoff, as Willis isn't getting any younger.  Last October we learned that Fox was looking at a number of character actors for the role, including Ben Foster, Paul Dano, and Milo Ventimiglia. In a surprise move, the studio and Willis went out of left field with their decision, selecting up 'n coming actor Jai Courtney for the coveted role.

Courtney is probably best known for his role as Varro in the first season of the awesome Starz Network series, Spartacus: Blood and Sand. He was my favorite character on the show, actually, Spartacus' loyal but haunted friend who just wanted to be reunited with his wife and child. Although Courtney wasn't able to return for the current season(I won't spoil why so you can watch it yourself!), he's made the best of the opportunity by picking up roles in the Tom Cruise led thriller, One Shot, and in Stuart Beattie's adaptation of I, Frankenstein. 

Deadline reports that in the end it came down to Courtney and Willis' The Expendables 2 co-star, Liam Hemsworth. Likely it was Courtney's physicality that won him the part, as it's sure to be a necessity in the film, which has McClane battling local forces in Russia. That's right, Russia. Die Hard's gone global! Boom!!! New York has blown up enough.

John Moore(Max Payne) will be lending his boring directorial "gifts" when production begins this spring, in time for a Valentine's Day release next year.

Read More

Ben Foster, Paul Dano, Aaron Paul in the mix for A Good Day to Die Hard

If the Die Hard franchise is to continue on, it'll become imperative to start grooming someone else to take over. Bruce Willis isn't exactly a spring chicken, as his role in last year's Red(Retired Extremely Dangerous) should have made pretty clear. Need more evidence? He'll star in next year's sequel to The Expendables, which has an average age higher than most NBA final scores. Just yesterday we finally got a hard release date for A Good Day to Die Hard(god that's awful), and now we're getting a look at who might be riding shotgun with ol' John McClane.

Variety reports that Ben Foster, Milo Ventimiglia(Armored), Aaron Paul(Breaking Bad), and Paul Dano(Little Miss Sunshine) will be testing for the role of McClane's son. They'll all be reading for the part in the coming weeks, presumably alongside Willis. The role could turn out to be a big one, possibly leading leading to the actor taking over the franchise, the same way Jeremy Renner is being groomed to head up Mission: Impossible.  This is Willis' baby, so he's going to have the final word on who gets he part.

That might bode well for Foster, who has more action movie experience than the rest. He's also worked closely with Willis a couple of times before, in Alpha Dog and 2005's Hostage. Hostage is a great film, by the way. One of Willis' best that nobody seems to remember.  A Good Day to Die Hard will open on Valentine's Day 2013!

Read More

Die Hard 5 gets an official release date and new lousy title

Whether you like it or not, Bruce Willis will be back for more adventures of the most unlucky cop in the world, John McClane. Die Hard 5 has been in a developmental slow crawl for awhile, although Willis never backed off his desire to keep expanding the franchise. Things seemed to be progressing nicely with a script by Skip Woods and Noam Murro(Smart People) on board to direct. Then it all went haywire when Murro dropped out to direct 300: Battle of Artemisia.

Along came John Moore(May Payne), beating out an impressive wishlist of directors(Joe Cornish, Justin Lin, supposedly Nicolas Winding Refn) for the job. So yeah, Die Hard 5 is happening, and now we know when. The film, now with the cumbersome title of A Good Day to Die Hard, will open on February 14th 2013.  Valentine's Day. "Hi honey. Screw the chocolates, let's go watch Bruce Willis blow shit up."

Just as Willis had planned, this film looks to be the biggest one yet, with McClane and his son in Russia battling local forces. Why? Who knows and who cares? Expect lots of bad jokes about vodka, insane amounts of snow, and for the McClane torch to get passed at some point. I'd be more inclined to get excited if Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who played McClane's estranged daughter Lucy in Live Free or Die Hard, was taking over. Unfortunately she's not expected to return. Have these people not seen The Thing? She'd totally kick ass.

Read More